How to praise children correctly

A bit of a long read, but this article, talks all about how to praise kids in the correct way to keep them motivated.  It sounds like a good idea to tell our kids they are smart whenever they figure out how to do something on their own.  But according to case studies in this article it actually discourages them from working hard to achieve, and from trying new things out of fear of possible failure.  Praise is a very powerful tool.  To use it effectively it is important to be specific, explain why this child earned praise.  It is equally important to acknowledge hard work.

Speaking as one of those "smart" kids, I was constantly told I was smart, and validated by my test scores.  But when it came down to class or home work, it wasn't so much that I didn't want to fail, I didn't want to have to work hard.  To quote Paris Geller from the Gilmore Girls "Stupid I can work with.  I can scare the stupid out of you, but the lazy runs deep."

The weird thing is is that eventually the work became easier for me and that's when I started getting good grades.  It's also possible I had some learning difficulties as a child.  I always had a hard time with directions, I just couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do.  A lot of the time directions aren't explicit.  For instance I could never figure out how to answer questions like:  Did you or didn't you go to the store?  There are four possible ways to answer this.  As a joke my hubs always answers questions like these with a simple yes.

So what is achievement?  I feel like this can only be measured personally.  It would be succeeding at things that have meaning or are important to the individual.  It reads to me that this article is praising lifelong learning.  How can we know what has meaning or is important if we are not constantly searching.  That constant search takes a willingness to try new things and hard work.  It's complacency that is easy.  Digging a rut to get comfortable.  This sounds like a prison of one's own building.  Break out, see more, do more.  The world is so much bigger than one little corner.  Never stop trying new things.

Going Gluten Free...Again

A couple of months into my pregnancy I realized that gluten containing foods did not make me nauseated after eating.  Forget what they were doing to the rest of my body.  At that time I was so sick most of the time, I would cry myself to sleep because I didn't want to wake up to another day feeling like that.  Since I don't have Celiacs, I don't suffer quite so badly when I do eat gluten.  I was willing to suffer the physical pain and bloating, skin conditions, and brain fog just to eat without repercussions.

6 months postpartum and I'm still eating gluten.  It's been a year now.  I gained far too much weight during my pregnancy, my mom thinks mainly due to my gluten consumption.  And the weight is hardly coming off.  I haven't even lost the weight I put on postpartum due to Zoloft, which I only took for about 6 weeks anyway.  But beyond the weight, I am in constant physical pain.  I hurt all over and severly in some places.  If I go for an average walk, or do average household chores, or run errands I can barely move I'm in so much pain.  I don't use ibuprofin unless necessary for two reasons, it increases blood pressure (I've had pre-hypertention since mid-pregnancy), and it masks the cause by covering the symptoms.  I think my phyisical pain is gluten related.

So, how hard is it to go gluten free when I'd been gluten free for 5 years?  Very hard.  I'd forgotten how good all those foods tasted and what great texture they had.  I'd forgotten how easy it is to get soluble fiber from super whole wheat.  Or how easy it is to not have to question every single thing I eat.  Or how nice it is to be able to eat other people's cooking.  Thanks to pregnancy and then poverty I didn't really take advantage of being able to eat at restaurants.  But that's probably for the best.

I did admit recently that I can no longer eat oats.  It's possible I may have to go grain free.  I certainly know that grain free/sugar free is the best way to lose weight.

The bottom line is I've got to feel better.  My baby is growing at an alarming rate and I can barely keep up with her now.  I can't imagine what it'll be like when she's crawling fast or walking.  And I need to be able to do things with her.  I've also been stuck in a depression since pregnancy that I need to be able to shake and I know gluten has a direct correlation.  I also know depression and physical pain are related.  The gluten has got to go.

Anxiety and Motherhood

"Nobody said it was going to be easy, at least nobody said it to me."  -The Big Chill, 1984

Hoo Boy!  I thought day to day living for myself was stressful.  Now I have this little being who relies on me for everything.  She can't talk, so I have no idea what's going on with her.  And she's so little, problems that would be little stuff to a grown-up are a big deal.  It's a constant worry rollercoaster.  What if she smothers in her sleep?  What if we get in a car accident?  What if I drop her?  What if she accidentally bangs her head against the wall?  What if her formula is toxic?  What if our carpeting is toxic?  What if the fluoride in the water is rotting her enamel or causing thyroid issues?  What if she finds tiny things to put into her mouth and chokes on them?  Did that sick person just touch her, kiss her, sneeze or cough in her general direction?  Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

I've lived with depression and anxiety for decades now, since puberty really.  And I know I considered the extra stress of having a baby at several points in my life.  But I just didn't think it would be this stressful.  I've been a caregiver my whole life.  I've never worried so much about the survival of any of my charges until it was my own.  All those big bad scary thoughts that made me afraid to live are making it hard for me to live and let my baby live in this big bad world.

My husband thinks I over react a lot.  He just doesn't think it's that horrible of a world that I need to protect her so much.  But my protective mode is in over-drive.  And it's only going to get worse as she gets older and gets out into the world herself and eventually on her own.  I can't overlook one single danger.  He's worried I'm turning into an agoraphobe, but really it's just hard on me and the baby physically to leave the house.  And we don't really have money to go do things-even for me to just drive into the city regularly to see friends and family.  And when I do she doesn't eat or sleep well and it is stressful for her, and then me.

And it is getting worse.  The high blood pressure spikes my anxiety and my supplements aren't doing enough.  But the prescriptions weren't either, and at least supplements don't have terrible side effects.  They are just expensive.  And it only gets more expensive the more I take to try to be comfortable with life.  I know I do better when I get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, spend time with other adults.  But all of these things are hard to do when you have an infant.

Losing My Religion: How I came to be an Atheist

From an early age I greatly disliked church.  I remember being eight years old, throwing up in the night, and being glad because it meant I wouldn't have to go to church.  Not only was church boring, I really couldn't see the reason for going.  The middle of the week fellowship dinners, choir practice, hand bells, and spending time with my friends interested me.  But being forced to listen to sermons I couldn't understand, and sitting through archaic, fantastical bible stories, and being told their perceived meaning and application to modern life really didn't appeal to me.

I was forced to go until I was through the Sunday School class my Dad taught in order not to shame the family.  After that, I got out of going by joining my neighborhood friends at their church, the church of the latter day saints.  Still having to sit through sermons, I was more active in their classes and enjoyed being with my best friend.  I attempted to read the Book of Mormon (at age 11), and I learned about some of their traditions.  I even participated in a stage production, and had my Dad come with me to their 'Daddy Daughter Dance.'  But then a double whammy occurred.  I witnessed a "testimony" from an 8 year old girl after her baptism, in front of the entire ward (congregation).  She was scared and crying and it appeared that she didn't really understand what or why she was doing this.  And I was harassed by my Sunday School teachers, grown women, for wanting to have a profession when I grew up, specifically I wanted to be either a Pediatrician or Veterinarian.  They badgered me, asking "so you want to see sick children and animals?"  I didn't know how to respond to this at my age, but I probably defended myself by saying I wanted to help sick children and animals.  That was enough  for me, I never went back.

Unfortunately my fallout with the LDS coincided with my family's church confirmation classes.  Again I was forced to go to classes, at age 11, to confirm my faith.  My mother remembers the ceremony, in front of the whole congregation, where she just kept hoping that when they asked me "Do you confirm your faith in Christianity?"  I wouldn't say "No."  Had I known this was an option I probably would have.  Instead I forced to do something I didn't agree.  From that day on I felt it was irresponsible to force religion on a child and have them make up their minds before they are really old enough to comprehend what they are doing.

Then I learned I could get out of church if I volunteered in the nursery.  What a win-win.  I got to play with little kids, take care of babies, and get out of church.  Later, in my young adulthood, I would work in that same nursery and still get out of having to go to the family forced holiday services.  It did kill my soul a bit to be somewhat participating in the very thing I despised-forcing religion on children.  But it also offered me the opportunity to teach better values, and I even got the curriculum changed when I realized it was bigoted.

It was around this time that I was studying Paganism.  After learning the history of the Christian church and how it not only stole several Pagan stories, but adopted its culture to assimilate its followers or else killed them, I could no longer believe in any of Christianity's myths and greatly questioned the motives behind the religion.  Then I began studying as many religions as I could only to come up with the same realization over and over.  All religions have the same myths, share the same fundamental beliefs, and are exploited for greed, money and power.

I was also studying Philosophy at this time, a lot of which has to do with questions like How can we know if there is a god?  Are humans born with a moral compass?  Is man naturally good?  What is truth?  What is the meaning of life?  What I did find out is that there is no super being controlling the universe.  If "god" does exist it is more like the Force in Star Wars, it is the collective energy of all living things.  I do have a moral compass, whether or not I was born with it.  Good and evil are different sides of the same coin.  There is a huge gray area in all circumstances.  And there is no meaning to life, we do not have some purpose.  You live your own life and you find your own reasons for doing so.

I was content for a long time thinking I was Agnostic.  It wasn't for several more years that I would admit that I was in fact an Atheist.  I do not believe in a super being.  I do not give any credit to any religious texts, other than being a very loose history of the laws and beliefs of that time and lots of fables.  Those texts are outdated and haven't applied to modern life for millennia.  It would be as if the people 2,000 years from now were trying to live by our laws.  Our laws and morals are constantly changing because we are constantly changing and the population is only getting larger.  The ability to travel and communicate globally has changed not only our perception of the world, but our need to keep evolving.  The more we experience and become knowledgeable, the greater our understanding.  People who hide behind those books are unwilling to evolve.  They use those ancient texts to discriminate and exploit.  This behavior is crazy, willfully ignorant, malicious and unacceptable.

Book Review: If It Was Easy, They'd Call The Whole Damn Thing A Honeymoon

I came across this author by accident.  I thought I was requesting another Jenny McCarthy book from my local library...this authors name is Jenna McCarthy.  She writes for a variety of Magazines and has written a few books on Life, Babies, and Marriage.

Her writing is not exactly my cup of tea, but an interesting look into her life and marriage with a smattering of other couples issues.  I would have much rather read more of the other couples.  I'm not sure the author has a lifestyle that is common place enough for her audience.  Some of her concerns and day-to-day agitations were not things that most women deal with, at least not regularly.

I know this book was meant to be helpful and funny at the same time.  Kind of a light approach to dealing with marital issues.  It's hard to be helpful and not be serious.  And being funny comes from shared experiences.  I just think it missed the mark on both sides.

There was one very poignant concept her therapist uses.  It involves one of the most annoying things your partner does.  Mine drums his fingers really fast when he's doing anything that requires a modicum of concentration.  My husband used to be a drummer for the marching band and doing this is second nature to him.  He doesn't even realize he's doing it.  The idea is to hear other people's little annoyances and then think about one from your partner.  Would you trade?

Who Loves The Sun?

A phenomenon occurred during my pregnancy.  I could no longer tolerate sunshine on my skin.  It felt like my skin was on fire and my skin would stay flushed for hours following exposure, even from just a few minutes.  I used to call it devil face it would get so red.  In addition to that if I had to do anything while in the sun it would immediately make me short of breath and fatigued.  Even on the coldest winter days I would have to shield my face.

Now 6 months postpartum I no longer feel like my face is on fire, but I also don't want to be in the sun.  I still get flushed and overheated.  For this reason, I don't like being outside unless it is overcast, I now look forward to rainy days, and I can't wait for fall/winter.

But it's not just me, my baby can't tolerate the heat either.  And she is just now the recommended age for using sunscreen.  But when she's in the heat she gets hot, sweaty, flushed, uncomfortable, over-tired, and fussy.

This really sucks because I spent all those months being house bound from pregnancy and now I am still from the sun and heat.  I know it would be good for both of us to get out of the house more, but we can't.  I can't imagine what people do (or did) without air conditioning.  I am desperate to move to a more hospitable climate.  England sounds really good to me.

Making a Will: Who do I leave my child?

Now that I have this little bundle of joy, I need to be practical about possibilities and ensure the care of, safety and well being of my child.  Particularly, who would be her guardian if something were to happen to me and my husband?

Unfortunately, my options are limited.  Beyond that I want to assign my child to the persons not only whom I deem most capable, but who are willing.  Add one more wrinkle, my husband and I are Atheists.  While I feel that religion is a part of our world's history, and in that light I wouldn't mind my child being educated on all the religions of the world, I do not want her to be taught to practice any one of them unless it is her choice.

My husbands sister and brother-in-law have 2 kids both much older than our baby.  They have a calendar of obligations and a house full of pets.  And they, like most of us, have financial troubles.  I'm just not sure her life could accommodate a small child.  And, she is an active church goer.  As much as I value her as a sister-in-law I just don't think this is the right environment for our baby.

My parents are both in their mid-sixties.  They might be able to afford to raise a child to 18, but physically I don't think they are capable.  Spiritually, while my Mom continues to study world religions with a passion, she no longer attends any religious services or claims any faith.  My father neither studies nor attends, he merely holds on to his blind faith although he claims to be agnostic.

My sister has a baby girl 1 year older than mine, she and her partner both have financially stable professions and are healthy.  Recently the topic of religion has come up in their household since their baby is getting older.   My sister still considers herself a Christian even though she is not active in the church and sees no need to be.  Her partner seems to be questioning, but has decided he is agnostic.  We had a chat with them last weekend about whether they would want to be our baby's guardians.  We got an affirmative, so our next question was whether they thought they could raise her without religion.  They were agreeable to this.  When my sister asked me if I didn't want her to practice a religion my reply was she can do what she wants, I just don't want her indoctrinated.

It is a relief to know that if anything happens to us our baby will have a safe and loving environment to grow up in that will encourage her to learn and question, to have an examining mind, without forcing blind faith.