I physically couldn't Breastfeed, it truly happens so don't judge!

5 1/2 months out and I'm still deeply saddened by my inability to breastfeed my baby.  I physically didn't make milk.  I never got engorged.  I never leaked milk.  There was no pain in "drying up."

For 8 weeks, I double pumped 8-12 times a day producing an average of 22 ml a day, less than 1 ounce.  In addition to that I nursed 6-8 times a day, usually only 5 minutes a side because she wasn't getting any milk and would get frustrated.  My whole day was to attempt to nurse, bottle feed, double pump, clean up, repeat.  I barely had anytime to do anything including sleep and eat.  I feel like I missed the first 8 weeks of her life.  But I knew that if I didn't try I would always feel badly about that.  The problem is I still feel badly.  I still wonder-if I had just tried for 1 more week.

While my situation is a little muddled because of having Postpartum Preeclampsia, I still don't think I was ever going to produce milk.  I so wanted the best for my baby.  For her to eat real food and not junk food.  I have no idea how this will affect her health and well being.  But she's alive and she's growing.  Every day I think about how I missed out on this precious experience.  I know breast feeding is hard, but it's also incredibly easy, and good for the baby and you.

If I could breast feed, we'd never have to buy formula.  I wouldn't have to daily wash bottles, sterilize water, pack bottles to go.  Have a sticky mess on my counter from spilled powder.  I could just pick her up to feed her instead of listening to her cry while I fix a bottle.  It truly would be a time and money saver.

However...I would have to deal with a more restricted diet, being crazy hungry all the time, sore nipples, gumming and biting, the struggle of latching and re-latching in crazy holds, feeding more frequently, and the dreaded thrush, and plugged ducts (which I've had).

But, the worst part of all is when people ask and I tell them "I physically couldn't breast feed."  They honestly tell me, not in so many words, "Maybe you didn't try hard enough."  Are you F*ing kidding me?  Insult to Injury indeed!  Please let's not shame a mother for her choice, or sometimes what isn't her choice.  I can feel envious of other mothers who choose not to breast feed, I wish I'd had that luxury.  But I never berate them for not breastfeeding.  And to be perfectly honest, it's none of my business.  Just as it's not the business of anyone else to pass judgement on me for formula feeding.