Going Gluten Free...Again

A couple of months into my pregnancy I realized that gluten containing foods did not make me nauseated after eating.  Forget what they were doing to the rest of my body.  At that time I was so sick most of the time, I would cry myself to sleep because I didn't want to wake up to another day feeling like that.  Since I don't have Celiacs, I don't suffer quite so badly when I do eat gluten.  I was willing to suffer the physical pain and bloating, skin conditions, and brain fog just to eat without repercussions.

6 months postpartum and I'm still eating gluten.  It's been a year now.  I gained far too much weight during my pregnancy, my mom thinks mainly due to my gluten consumption.  And the weight is hardly coming off.  I haven't even lost the weight I put on postpartum due to Zoloft, which I only took for about 6 weeks anyway.  But beyond the weight, I am in constant physical pain.  I hurt all over and severly in some places.  If I go for an average walk, or do average household chores, or run errands I can barely move I'm in so much pain.  I don't use ibuprofin unless necessary for two reasons, it increases blood pressure (I've had pre-hypertention since mid-pregnancy), and it masks the cause by covering the symptoms.  I think my phyisical pain is gluten related.

So, how hard is it to go gluten free when I'd been gluten free for 5 years?  Very hard.  I'd forgotten how good all those foods tasted and what great texture they had.  I'd forgotten how easy it is to get soluble fiber from super whole wheat.  Or how easy it is to not have to question every single thing I eat.  Or how nice it is to be able to eat other people's cooking.  Thanks to pregnancy and then poverty I didn't really take advantage of being able to eat at restaurants.  But that's probably for the best.

I did admit recently that I can no longer eat oats.  It's possible I may have to go grain free.  I certainly know that grain free/sugar free is the best way to lose weight.

The bottom line is I've got to feel better.  My baby is growing at an alarming rate and I can barely keep up with her now.  I can't imagine what it'll be like when she's crawling fast or walking.  And I need to be able to do things with her.  I've also been stuck in a depression since pregnancy that I need to be able to shake and I know gluten has a direct correlation.  I also know depression and physical pain are related.  The gluten has got to go.

Anxiety and Motherhood

"Nobody said it was going to be easy, at least nobody said it to me."  -The Big Chill, 1984

Hoo Boy!  I thought day to day living for myself was stressful.  Now I have this little being who relies on me for everything.  She can't talk, so I have no idea what's going on with her.  And she's so little, problems that would be little stuff to a grown-up are a big deal.  It's a constant worry rollercoaster.  What if she smothers in her sleep?  What if we get in a car accident?  What if I drop her?  What if she accidentally bangs her head against the wall?  What if her formula is toxic?  What if our carpeting is toxic?  What if the fluoride in the water is rotting her enamel or causing thyroid issues?  What if she finds tiny things to put into her mouth and chokes on them?  Did that sick person just touch her, kiss her, sneeze or cough in her general direction?  Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

I've lived with depression and anxiety for decades now, since puberty really.  And I know I considered the extra stress of having a baby at several points in my life.  But I just didn't think it would be this stressful.  I've been a caregiver my whole life.  I've never worried so much about the survival of any of my charges until it was my own.  All those big bad scary thoughts that made me afraid to live are making it hard for me to live and let my baby live in this big bad world.

My husband thinks I over react a lot.  He just doesn't think it's that horrible of a world that I need to protect her so much.  But my protective mode is in over-drive.  And it's only going to get worse as she gets older and gets out into the world herself and eventually on her own.  I can't overlook one single danger.  He's worried I'm turning into an agoraphobe, but really it's just hard on me and the baby physically to leave the house.  And we don't really have money to go do things-even for me to just drive into the city regularly to see friends and family.  And when I do she doesn't eat or sleep well and it is stressful for her, and then me.

And it is getting worse.  The high blood pressure spikes my anxiety and my supplements aren't doing enough.  But the prescriptions weren't either, and at least supplements don't have terrible side effects.  They are just expensive.  And it only gets more expensive the more I take to try to be comfortable with life.  I know I do better when I get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, spend time with other adults.  But all of these things are hard to do when you have an infant.

Postpartum Depression

I have suffered with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember.  I've tried many natural alternatives and supplements to alleviate my symptoms with moderate success.  But during pregnancy I discontinued their use due to a lack of research on safety.  And then I got pregnancy induced hypertension.  Hypertension or high blood pressure and anxiety are like the chicken and the egg, which came first?  I was incredibly stressed out and high strung during my pregnancy.  I had lots of irrational thoughts, some of them were rational but hyped up to the extreme.  I couldn't wait to have this baby just so I could feel better.

Guess what?  I didn't feel better.  I felt worse.  Aside from developing Postpartum Preeclampsia, even now almost 6 months postpartum I still have prehypertension.  And I'm still dealing with broken sleep.  I was so worried about the baby and every little thing, I couldn't relax.  I didn't sleep well, when I did get to sleep, and I would have nightmares.  I cried multiple times a day.  And to top it all off, we were thrown off our farm (the family farm that was for life) with no means for income and all our savings sunk into that business.

Postpartum depression is nothing to be ashamed of, it is a real medical condition.  Your body is working hard to get itself back to "normal."  Your hormones are haywire, you aren't getting enough sleep, and your sleep cycles are broken, you aren't eating properly, you aren't getting out of the house as much, and you are probably freaking out about what to do with this little person.  It is stressful!  But, postpartum depression doesn't always strike right away.  It can take months before you may have any symptoms.  A friends doctor told her it could take up to 2 years before her body is back to normal.

When my symptoms lasted more than the first two weeks after birth, I decided to go to a postpartum specialist.  She prescribed me an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), appointments to monitor my progress, and I was on my way.  I soon found out that SSRIs weren't the magic pill I wanted them to be.  While my anxiety was tamed for about 3 weeks, I had a slew of side effects that almost cancelled out the benefits.  So when my anxiety returned I decided to taper off the SSRI, under my nurse practitioners supervision.  I remembered about my old tried and true supplements.

I've been back to the supplements now for over a month and while they help, I'm still having anxiety and depression problems partly due to my new lifestyle of staying at home with the baby.  But the other day I bought facial tissues for the first time in months because I'm not crying much anymore.  It felt like a victory.

I realized that I neglected to differentiate between Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Psychosis.  The former is what I and many women suffer from after giving birth for a variety of reasons but typically related to hormone changes and what I call new baby isolation.  Postpartum Psychosis presents a very serious situation where the person suffering may want to hurt herself and/or her baby AND this seems like a logical or reasonable solution.  Please get help.  You can visit Postpartum Support International to find help near you.

If at the end of the day everyone lives...

As a new (or soon to be new) parent, I'm sure you've heard the phrase that if everyone is alive at the end of the day (or the beginning the way I measure) then the day was a success.

This couldn't be more true the first few weeks. Trying to function on hardly any sleep and living high stress with trying to figure out what to do with this little creature, it's hard to imagine I ever had time to shower or cook a meal. I don't remember much from those days.

But should I still be telling myself this at 5 months? Do I still have the right to make excuses for not showering, for my house being a wreck, and letting my friendships fall by the wayside? I'm guessing this all comes with the territory of having children. Good parents will always put their children's needs first.

For a few precious weeks (sometime late in the 3rd month) we had a great nighttime routine and I could get a 6 hour stretch of sleep. This is very crucial for my sanity and ability to function. Then the teething began. Oh, she'll sleep for 10 hours a night, but she needs to get up at least once to eat, twice during growth spurts. Not that big of a deal, but I get all the night feedings and this means I never get more than 4 or 5 hours a night. If I can get back to sleep maybe I can grab another 2.

Sleeping when the baby sleeps is a big joke that I learned the punch line to in the first few weeks of motherhood.

But for some reason this sleep disruption has sent me back to the dark ages of babydom where I just can't get anything done. My heart goes out to parents working outside of the home having to try to function in the workplace on little to no sleep. Or to parents of older children (of which one day I hope to aspire) who just have to keep trucking no matter what.

Having struggled (and still struggling) with PPD - Postpartum Depression, I find it hard to want to interact with anybody other than my spouse. Leaving the house is a chore I just don't have the energy to do, and I sometimes dread. I honestly don't have the energy to do anything that I don't have to do-which really centers around taking care of the baby. And even then sometimes I don't have the energy to do that.

Thankfully I have a partner who is able to help sometimes, but definitely when I am at my wits end. In the morning my baby is alive, and she smiles to see me, so I must be doing something right.