How to praise children correctly

A bit of a long read, but this article, talks all about how to praise kids in the correct way to keep them motivated.  It sounds like a good idea to tell our kids they are smart whenever they figure out how to do something on their own.  But according to case studies in this article it actually discourages them from working hard to achieve, and from trying new things out of fear of possible failure.  Praise is a very powerful tool.  To use it effectively it is important to be specific, explain why this child earned praise.  It is equally important to acknowledge hard work.

Speaking as one of those "smart" kids, I was constantly told I was smart, and validated by my test scores.  But when it came down to class or home work, it wasn't so much that I didn't want to fail, I didn't want to have to work hard.  To quote Paris Geller from the Gilmore Girls "Stupid I can work with.  I can scare the stupid out of you, but the lazy runs deep."

The weird thing is is that eventually the work became easier for me and that's when I started getting good grades.  It's also possible I had some learning difficulties as a child.  I always had a hard time with directions, I just couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do.  A lot of the time directions aren't explicit.  For instance I could never figure out how to answer questions like:  Did you or didn't you go to the store?  There are four possible ways to answer this.  As a joke my hubs always answers questions like these with a simple yes.

So what is achievement?  I feel like this can only be measured personally.  It would be succeeding at things that have meaning or are important to the individual.  It reads to me that this article is praising lifelong learning.  How can we know what has meaning or is important if we are not constantly searching.  That constant search takes a willingness to try new things and hard work.  It's complacency that is easy.  Digging a rut to get comfortable.  This sounds like a prison of one's own building.  Break out, see more, do more.  The world is so much bigger than one little corner.  Never stop trying new things.

Anxiety and Motherhood

"Nobody said it was going to be easy, at least nobody said it to me."  -The Big Chill, 1984

Hoo Boy!  I thought day to day living for myself was stressful.  Now I have this little being who relies on me for everything.  She can't talk, so I have no idea what's going on with her.  And she's so little, problems that would be little stuff to a grown-up are a big deal.  It's a constant worry rollercoaster.  What if she smothers in her sleep?  What if we get in a car accident?  What if I drop her?  What if she accidentally bangs her head against the wall?  What if her formula is toxic?  What if our carpeting is toxic?  What if the fluoride in the water is rotting her enamel or causing thyroid issues?  What if she finds tiny things to put into her mouth and chokes on them?  Did that sick person just touch her, kiss her, sneeze or cough in her general direction?  Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

I've lived with depression and anxiety for decades now, since puberty really.  And I know I considered the extra stress of having a baby at several points in my life.  But I just didn't think it would be this stressful.  I've been a caregiver my whole life.  I've never worried so much about the survival of any of my charges until it was my own.  All those big bad scary thoughts that made me afraid to live are making it hard for me to live and let my baby live in this big bad world.

My husband thinks I over react a lot.  He just doesn't think it's that horrible of a world that I need to protect her so much.  But my protective mode is in over-drive.  And it's only going to get worse as she gets older and gets out into the world herself and eventually on her own.  I can't overlook one single danger.  He's worried I'm turning into an agoraphobe, but really it's just hard on me and the baby physically to leave the house.  And we don't really have money to go do things-even for me to just drive into the city regularly to see friends and family.  And when I do she doesn't eat or sleep well and it is stressful for her, and then me.

And it is getting worse.  The high blood pressure spikes my anxiety and my supplements aren't doing enough.  But the prescriptions weren't either, and at least supplements don't have terrible side effects.  They are just expensive.  And it only gets more expensive the more I take to try to be comfortable with life.  I know I do better when I get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, spend time with other adults.  But all of these things are hard to do when you have an infant.

If at the end of the day everyone lives...

As a new (or soon to be new) parent, I'm sure you've heard the phrase that if everyone is alive at the end of the day (or the beginning the way I measure) then the day was a success.

This couldn't be more true the first few weeks. Trying to function on hardly any sleep and living high stress with trying to figure out what to do with this little creature, it's hard to imagine I ever had time to shower or cook a meal. I don't remember much from those days.

But should I still be telling myself this at 5 months? Do I still have the right to make excuses for not showering, for my house being a wreck, and letting my friendships fall by the wayside? I'm guessing this all comes with the territory of having children. Good parents will always put their children's needs first.

For a few precious weeks (sometime late in the 3rd month) we had a great nighttime routine and I could get a 6 hour stretch of sleep. This is very crucial for my sanity and ability to function. Then the teething began. Oh, she'll sleep for 10 hours a night, but she needs to get up at least once to eat, twice during growth spurts. Not that big of a deal, but I get all the night feedings and this means I never get more than 4 or 5 hours a night. If I can get back to sleep maybe I can grab another 2.

Sleeping when the baby sleeps is a big joke that I learned the punch line to in the first few weeks of motherhood.

But for some reason this sleep disruption has sent me back to the dark ages of babydom where I just can't get anything done. My heart goes out to parents working outside of the home having to try to function in the workplace on little to no sleep. Or to parents of older children (of which one day I hope to aspire) who just have to keep trucking no matter what.

Having struggled (and still struggling) with PPD - Postpartum Depression, I find it hard to want to interact with anybody other than my spouse. Leaving the house is a chore I just don't have the energy to do, and I sometimes dread. I honestly don't have the energy to do anything that I don't have to do-which really centers around taking care of the baby. And even then sometimes I don't have the energy to do that.

Thankfully I have a partner who is able to help sometimes, but definitely when I am at my wits end. In the morning my baby is alive, and she smiles to see me, so I must be doing something right.