How to praise children correctly

A bit of a long read, but this article, talks all about how to praise kids in the correct way to keep them motivated.  It sounds like a good idea to tell our kids they are smart whenever they figure out how to do something on their own.  But according to case studies in this article it actually discourages them from working hard to achieve, and from trying new things out of fear of possible failure.  Praise is a very powerful tool.  To use it effectively it is important to be specific, explain why this child earned praise.  It is equally important to acknowledge hard work.

Speaking as one of those "smart" kids, I was constantly told I was smart, and validated by my test scores.  But when it came down to class or home work, it wasn't so much that I didn't want to fail, I didn't want to have to work hard.  To quote Paris Geller from the Gilmore Girls "Stupid I can work with.  I can scare the stupid out of you, but the lazy runs deep."

The weird thing is is that eventually the work became easier for me and that's when I started getting good grades.  It's also possible I had some learning difficulties as a child.  I always had a hard time with directions, I just couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do.  A lot of the time directions aren't explicit.  For instance I could never figure out how to answer questions like:  Did you or didn't you go to the store?  There are four possible ways to answer this.  As a joke my hubs always answers questions like these with a simple yes.

So what is achievement?  I feel like this can only be measured personally.  It would be succeeding at things that have meaning or are important to the individual.  It reads to me that this article is praising lifelong learning.  How can we know what has meaning or is important if we are not constantly searching.  That constant search takes a willingness to try new things and hard work.  It's complacency that is easy.  Digging a rut to get comfortable.  This sounds like a prison of one's own building.  Break out, see more, do more.  The world is so much bigger than one little corner.  Never stop trying new things.

Losing My Religion: How I came to be an Atheist

From an early age I greatly disliked church.  I remember being eight years old, throwing up in the night, and being glad because it meant I wouldn't have to go to church.  Not only was church boring, I really couldn't see the reason for going.  The middle of the week fellowship dinners, choir practice, hand bells, and spending time with my friends interested me.  But being forced to listen to sermons I couldn't understand, and sitting through archaic, fantastical bible stories, and being told their perceived meaning and application to modern life really didn't appeal to me.

I was forced to go until I was through the Sunday School class my Dad taught in order not to shame the family.  After that, I got out of going by joining my neighborhood friends at their church, the church of the latter day saints.  Still having to sit through sermons, I was more active in their classes and enjoyed being with my best friend.  I attempted to read the Book of Mormon (at age 11), and I learned about some of their traditions.  I even participated in a stage production, and had my Dad come with me to their 'Daddy Daughter Dance.'  But then a double whammy occurred.  I witnessed a "testimony" from an 8 year old girl after her baptism, in front of the entire ward (congregation).  She was scared and crying and it appeared that she didn't really understand what or why she was doing this.  And I was harassed by my Sunday School teachers, grown women, for wanting to have a profession when I grew up, specifically I wanted to be either a Pediatrician or Veterinarian.  They badgered me, asking "so you want to see sick children and animals?"  I didn't know how to respond to this at my age, but I probably defended myself by saying I wanted to help sick children and animals.  That was enough  for me, I never went back.

Unfortunately my fallout with the LDS coincided with my family's church confirmation classes.  Again I was forced to go to classes, at age 11, to confirm my faith.  My mother remembers the ceremony, in front of the whole congregation, where she just kept hoping that when they asked me "Do you confirm your faith in Christianity?"  I wouldn't say "No."  Had I known this was an option I probably would have.  Instead I forced to do something I didn't agree.  From that day on I felt it was irresponsible to force religion on a child and have them make up their minds before they are really old enough to comprehend what they are doing.

Then I learned I could get out of church if I volunteered in the nursery.  What a win-win.  I got to play with little kids, take care of babies, and get out of church.  Later, in my young adulthood, I would work in that same nursery and still get out of having to go to the family forced holiday services.  It did kill my soul a bit to be somewhat participating in the very thing I despised-forcing religion on children.  But it also offered me the opportunity to teach better values, and I even got the curriculum changed when I realized it was bigoted.

It was around this time that I was studying Paganism.  After learning the history of the Christian church and how it not only stole several Pagan stories, but adopted its culture to assimilate its followers or else killed them, I could no longer believe in any of Christianity's myths and greatly questioned the motives behind the religion.  Then I began studying as many religions as I could only to come up with the same realization over and over.  All religions have the same myths, share the same fundamental beliefs, and are exploited for greed, money and power.

I was also studying Philosophy at this time, a lot of which has to do with questions like How can we know if there is a god?  Are humans born with a moral compass?  Is man naturally good?  What is truth?  What is the meaning of life?  What I did find out is that there is no super being controlling the universe.  If "god" does exist it is more like the Force in Star Wars, it is the collective energy of all living things.  I do have a moral compass, whether or not I was born with it.  Good and evil are different sides of the same coin.  There is a huge gray area in all circumstances.  And there is no meaning to life, we do not have some purpose.  You live your own life and you find your own reasons for doing so.

I was content for a long time thinking I was Agnostic.  It wasn't for several more years that I would admit that I was in fact an Atheist.  I do not believe in a super being.  I do not give any credit to any religious texts, other than being a very loose history of the laws and beliefs of that time and lots of fables.  Those texts are outdated and haven't applied to modern life for millennia.  It would be as if the people 2,000 years from now were trying to live by our laws.  Our laws and morals are constantly changing because we are constantly changing and the population is only getting larger.  The ability to travel and communicate globally has changed not only our perception of the world, but our need to keep evolving.  The more we experience and become knowledgeable, the greater our understanding.  People who hide behind those books are unwilling to evolve.  They use those ancient texts to discriminate and exploit.  This behavior is crazy, willfully ignorant, malicious and unacceptable.

Book Review: The Friendship Crisis by Marla Paul

This book is quite obviously written for women, but I wouldn't discourage men from reading.  A parent or spouse dies, divorce, getting married or re-married, your spouses don't get along, having a baby, your kids don't get along, your kids who were friends are grown and on their own, you move, change, lose or quit careers, all these and more are reasons why friends drift, fall by the wayside, or just disappear.  Marla Paul writes about how we can possibly prevent friendships from flailing during these changes, why we should let some of them go, and gives us resources on how to find and make new friends,  Paul includes identifying and working through the potential "roadblocks" and pitfalls that can occur when making new friends.  Using specific examples from women she knows, researched or who have written on the topic, Paul tries to cover the gamut of troubles to perhaps enlighten us on our own friendship foibles.

It's hard finding and making friends.  When I was younger I used to say the only way to make friends is through school, work, or other friends.  As we get older it gets even harder.  Our time is more valuable, we are not any busier, just with what we perceive to be more important, and we require more sleep.  We have learned who we are and no longer find superficial friendships to be easy.  We want friends who share our values, and often reflect our own lifestyle.  We need to be able to respect friends opinions and actions.  The same is true in reverse.

 Now that I have a baby it is much more difficult to see my friends as often as I would like, or meet up at the same places we used to go.  To go anywhere I have to pack up 2 bags plus a heavy baby and some gear.  It is thoroughly exhausting to pack, load, unload, unpack, and repeat for the number of places we go.  Plus, I am a slave to her needs-feeding, changing, napping.  If I don't keep those needs satisfied during the day, I will have a bad night on my hands as well.  This doesn't mean I don't want to see my friends or spend time, I just don't have the energy to always go to them, or the ability and desire to participate in the same activities.

I often have felt that maintaining friendships rested primarily on my shoulders.  If I don't keep them up, they don't keep up.  So in addition to feeling exhausted, isolated, and out-of-it, I'm also dealing with a bit of resentment for being so expendable, or for not being worth the effort from these friends.  In the past, I have  felt like several of these same friends were guilty of not respecting my time, career choices, or lifestyle.  It is disrespectful to think that your time is more valuable.

Marla Paul's solution, get different friends.  Ones that reflect my new lifestyle and understand the demands of, or at least respect, being a stay-at-home parent.  But that doesn't mean I have to discontinue my old friendships.  Paul suggests being honest and straight forward with friends.  It might surprise me to know that these friends are willing to change the dynamics of our relationship to stay together.  Whether that means seeing each other less often, only in certain circumstances, or relegating to social gathering friendships, we can still be friends without the resentment that occurs when you just let a friendship wither and die.  Sometimes that happens too, but I don't have to feel bad.  I can appreciate the friendship for what it was worth and move on.

Pregnancy Is Not A Disablity...But, It Was For Me

I was a farmer.  A farmer works outside year round, in some less than desirable conditions.  It was the hardest, most stressful job, that I loved.  When I found out I was pregnant, early June, we were deep into the busiest time of the year.  Based on research for safe pregnancies, I immediately scratched 1/4 of the things I could do, like collecting eggs (Toxoplasmosis) or working with the Bees and Sheep, off my list.

3 more weeks in I was no longer able to work outside because of the heat.  After about 1/2 an hour I would have to lie down or pass out.  At the same time I was less able to do indoor tasks as well because of my nausea.  Try washing stinky eggs, oven-drying tomatoes, or baking for the markets all day while experiencing the worst nausea of your life...every day for 2 months.  I would cry at night because I didn't want to go to bed and wake up to another day of nausea like the one I had just experienced.  I felt so bad that when I would get worried about a miscarriage my thoughts drifted to-at least I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.

Finally around week 16, I started to feel better and it had cooled down outside.  I could even go to the Farmers' Markets and work.  But I could no longer lift anything heavy.  We participated in fall/winter markets and we kept animals, so there was never an off season.

By 25 weeks, I started having Carpal Tunnel symptoms.  I was just learning how to Knit, because I made Crochet and Knit items for the winter markets.  In a few more weeks not only would I not be able to knit, I wouldn't be able to hold a book or a spatula and pan.

Then in week 35 I over worked my pelvic joints while hanging curtains and from then on I could no longer stand, walk, or move without being in serious pain.  It was so bad, a few weeks before delivery my husband made me call the emergency line for my OB/GYN on a Saturday morning because I almost couldn't get into his truck and when I did it hurt so bad I was crying.

So, for the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy all I could do without being in pain was sit and stare.  Add to this prenatal depression and anxiety for most of the pregnancy.  If you have or are suffering from prenatal depression or anxiety please keep your partner or doctor current on how you feel.  If you haven't suffered, don't make judgements.  Having been a long-time sufferer of depression and anxiety I can say this was the worst I've ever experienced, except I never got suicidal.  I however was convinced that the pregnancy was going to kill me.  I did get some relief, see my future post on supplements during pregnancy.

It was a tough year full of suffering, but also joy.  I did lose some friends out of the experience, but other friendships were strengthened.  I learn a hard lesson every year.  This year's lesson was:

*You can't possibly know what someone else is going through.  You can sympathize but don't empathize, and don't judge!  Every experience is different not just for different people, but sometimes with the same person on different occasions.  Don't compare situations.  Just because you had a similar experience you can't know how the other person is feeling or what they are experiencing.  And if you've never had a similar experience keep your opinions to yourself!*

As for the last statement, I learned long ago that you don't know what you are capable of, or what you will do in a situation until you are in it.  If you love someone-be supportive.