Friendship Busters and Boosters by Marla Paul

You may have read my book review for The Friendship Crisis.  Below is a synopsis of the behaviors that will break down or build up a friendship from that same book.  All of these work in reverse, so if a friend is exhibiting these behaviors have a heart to heart to try to get at the root, and come up with a compromise.

Busters:
1.)  Serial Cancelling:  If you cancel frequently you can bet you'll be taken off the invite list.
2.)  Expecting an Apple to be an Orange:  When you expect more from a friend than she is capable of giving, you will end up hurting yourself and alienating the friend.
3.) Jealousy:  If you cannot celebrate your friends, but instead compare their accomplishments to your own shortcomings in life, the friendship will turn sour.  However, if you are certain a friend is being insensitive simply address that.  Try to find a middle ground where she can still talk about her achievements without making you feel like a failure.

Boosters:
1.)  Pay Attention:  Be aware of the significant events of a friend's life, and check in.
2.)  Keep in touch, but don't keep tabs.  A friendship thrives on the little details of life, don't worry about whose turn it is to call.
3.)  Make plans:  Find a way to squeeze in seeing your friends, make a plan, and don't break it!
4.)  Cheer the victories:  Find ways to celebrate your friend's life.
5.)  Rain Compliments:  Compliment your friend sincerely and regularly.
6.)  Be there for the happy and the sad:  It's smooth sailing in fair weather, but the real glue that binds is offering emotional support to a friend through a crisis.  Often just being there will do.
7.)  Remember Birthdays:  A simple card or call is enough.
8.)  If something is really important to you, say so.
9.)  Give "no special reason" Gifts:  It is a reminder that you think about your friend.  Make sure the gift is thoughtful.
10.)  Return Calls and Emails Promptly:  Not hard to do, but we are all guilty of neglect sometimes.  If you've ever been on the not-receiving end of an un-returned call or email you know how you can worry and think maybe it was something you did or didn't do.
11.)  Make Peace with Imperfection:  Accept your friend's faults and work around them.
12.)  Roll up your Sleeves:  In a crisis don't just offer help, see a need and do something.
13.)  Practice Artful Listening:  Listen, don't offer advice.  Often a friend just needs to vent, or know that someone else has been there.  Comment with a "yeah, it's hard," or "I understand."

While it's never too late to be the friend you'd like to be, sometimes it is too late to save a friendship.  If there are too many past hurts, or one really big one that one of you can't move past, it may be time to let go.  But is is always worthwhile to talk to a friend before you decide to sever ties.  Sometimes you can salvage a little something that wasn't the friendship the two of you once had, but is a new friendship that works for both of you.  Friendship is a two way street.  There is no room for score keeping.

Book Review: The Friendship Crisis by Marla Paul

This book is quite obviously written for women, but I wouldn't discourage men from reading.  A parent or spouse dies, divorce, getting married or re-married, your spouses don't get along, having a baby, your kids don't get along, your kids who were friends are grown and on their own, you move, change, lose or quit careers, all these and more are reasons why friends drift, fall by the wayside, or just disappear.  Marla Paul writes about how we can possibly prevent friendships from flailing during these changes, why we should let some of them go, and gives us resources on how to find and make new friends,  Paul includes identifying and working through the potential "roadblocks" and pitfalls that can occur when making new friends.  Using specific examples from women she knows, researched or who have written on the topic, Paul tries to cover the gamut of troubles to perhaps enlighten us on our own friendship foibles.

It's hard finding and making friends.  When I was younger I used to say the only way to make friends is through school, work, or other friends.  As we get older it gets even harder.  Our time is more valuable, we are not any busier, just with what we perceive to be more important, and we require more sleep.  We have learned who we are and no longer find superficial friendships to be easy.  We want friends who share our values, and often reflect our own lifestyle.  We need to be able to respect friends opinions and actions.  The same is true in reverse.

 Now that I have a baby it is much more difficult to see my friends as often as I would like, or meet up at the same places we used to go.  To go anywhere I have to pack up 2 bags plus a heavy baby and some gear.  It is thoroughly exhausting to pack, load, unload, unpack, and repeat for the number of places we go.  Plus, I am a slave to her needs-feeding, changing, napping.  If I don't keep those needs satisfied during the day, I will have a bad night on my hands as well.  This doesn't mean I don't want to see my friends or spend time, I just don't have the energy to always go to them, or the ability and desire to participate in the same activities.

I often have felt that maintaining friendships rested primarily on my shoulders.  If I don't keep them up, they don't keep up.  So in addition to feeling exhausted, isolated, and out-of-it, I'm also dealing with a bit of resentment for being so expendable, or for not being worth the effort from these friends.  In the past, I have  felt like several of these same friends were guilty of not respecting my time, career choices, or lifestyle.  It is disrespectful to think that your time is more valuable.

Marla Paul's solution, get different friends.  Ones that reflect my new lifestyle and understand the demands of, or at least respect, being a stay-at-home parent.  But that doesn't mean I have to discontinue my old friendships.  Paul suggests being honest and straight forward with friends.  It might surprise me to know that these friends are willing to change the dynamics of our relationship to stay together.  Whether that means seeing each other less often, only in certain circumstances, or relegating to social gathering friendships, we can still be friends without the resentment that occurs when you just let a friendship wither and die.  Sometimes that happens too, but I don't have to feel bad.  I can appreciate the friendship for what it was worth and move on.