I came across this author by accident. I thought I was requesting another Jenny McCarthy book from my local library...this authors name is Jenna McCarthy. She writes for a variety of Magazines and has written a few books on Life, Babies, and Marriage.
Her writing is not exactly my cup of tea, but an interesting look into her life and marriage with a smattering of other couples issues. I would have much rather read more of the other couples. I'm not sure the author has a lifestyle that is common place enough for her audience. Some of her concerns and day-to-day agitations were not things that most women deal with, at least not regularly.
I know this book was meant to be helpful and funny at the same time. Kind of a light approach to dealing with marital issues. It's hard to be helpful and not be serious. And being funny comes from shared experiences. I just think it missed the mark on both sides.
There was one very poignant concept her therapist uses. It involves one of the most annoying things your partner does. Mine drums his fingers really fast when he's doing anything that requires a modicum of concentration. My husband used to be a drummer for the marching band and doing this is second nature to him. He doesn't even realize he's doing it. The idea is to hear other people's little annoyances and then think about one from your partner. Would you trade?
Showing posts with label Husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Husband. Show all posts
Monday, August 13, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Traditional? Roles, i.e. The Housewife
When I was little I never really dreamed of what profession I would have as a grown up. Some of my loftier ideas were Pediatrician, Veterinarian, and New York City Clothing Designer. The last one fell to the wayside with my abhorrence of consumerism, but also because of my lack of ambition and talent. Mostly I just wanted to be a Mommy. I got to do this professionally for more than 20 years.
In all that time of dreaming of being a Mommy, I never really thought about how I would make money. I would fantasize about winning Publishers Clearing House or inheriting a ton of money from some long lost relative, or marrying rich. My own Mom had a slogan, from someone else I'm sure, that if you marry rich you earn every penny. I assumed she knew what she was talking about, firstly because my Dad's name is "Rich," and although she and my Dad fought about finances as much as any couple, I always felt secure in their holdings if not their marriage. They just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. But I wanted to marry rich not just to be taken care of, but so I would never have to argue about money with my spouse. Naive, yes. I now know that no matter how much money a couple has, it is a source of arguments.
I don't care much about material things anymore, I don't need to be lottery rich, I just want to be able to live. We don't spend a lot of money. Our top two purchases, other than rent and utilities, are Food, from grocery stores, and Gas, to get to said grocery and work. I ask myself before every purchase "Do I need this?" And I'm constantly giving things away that I don't need any longer. All that being said, we are broke. I've been broke before and this is it. We haven't gotten to the hot dog, Ramen noodle broke, but we have no money to spare, and slightly less than we need.
My husband and I were Farmers, this just recently (4 months ago), unexpectedly, and irrevocably ended. Our savings were invested in that farm. Our goal was to not be in debt, thankfully this was achieved. We had made a small profit in year 3, and we were on track to make a decent profit in year 4. We were left with nothing but a place to live, that while the rent is low, we still can't afford. No means of income, little savings, and with a new (3 week old) baby.
My husband is still trying to psychologically climb out from this (his family farm-that he started), find work, and make enough money for us to live. We are barely getting by. He finally got full time at his hourly wage job so hopefully we will have enough to actually get by on, and maybe save up enough to move.
My problem, I can't help. I can't just go out and get a job, I have a baby to take care of. So I feel like no help. Putting my child in daycare so I can go back to work would eat all my earnings, so that's pointless. And my husband just isn't able to take care of the baby right now. We could not tag-team work and childcare. And my Dad, who is taking care of my Niece, lives too far away to watch my baby. Plus, my Niece is in Parent's Day Out and picks up every illness and promptly brings it back to my Dad.
So, here I am. Housewife. I finally have the baby I always wanted and all I want to do is stay at home with her. But I can't shake this feeling of guilt for not contributing financially. I love taking care of my baby. I love cooking. I hate cleaning. I hate not having any money, especially money I earned. And I miss being an adult out there in the world with other adults.
In all that time of dreaming of being a Mommy, I never really thought about how I would make money. I would fantasize about winning Publishers Clearing House or inheriting a ton of money from some long lost relative, or marrying rich. My own Mom had a slogan, from someone else I'm sure, that if you marry rich you earn every penny. I assumed she knew what she was talking about, firstly because my Dad's name is "Rich," and although she and my Dad fought about finances as much as any couple, I always felt secure in their holdings if not their marriage. They just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. But I wanted to marry rich not just to be taken care of, but so I would never have to argue about money with my spouse. Naive, yes. I now know that no matter how much money a couple has, it is a source of arguments.
I don't care much about material things anymore, I don't need to be lottery rich, I just want to be able to live. We don't spend a lot of money. Our top two purchases, other than rent and utilities, are Food, from grocery stores, and Gas, to get to said grocery and work. I ask myself before every purchase "Do I need this?" And I'm constantly giving things away that I don't need any longer. All that being said, we are broke. I've been broke before and this is it. We haven't gotten to the hot dog, Ramen noodle broke, but we have no money to spare, and slightly less than we need.
My husband and I were Farmers, this just recently (4 months ago), unexpectedly, and irrevocably ended. Our savings were invested in that farm. Our goal was to not be in debt, thankfully this was achieved. We had made a small profit in year 3, and we were on track to make a decent profit in year 4. We were left with nothing but a place to live, that while the rent is low, we still can't afford. No means of income, little savings, and with a new (3 week old) baby.
My husband is still trying to psychologically climb out from this (his family farm-that he started), find work, and make enough money for us to live. We are barely getting by. He finally got full time at his hourly wage job so hopefully we will have enough to actually get by on, and maybe save up enough to move.
My problem, I can't help. I can't just go out and get a job, I have a baby to take care of. So I feel like no help. Putting my child in daycare so I can go back to work would eat all my earnings, so that's pointless. And my husband just isn't able to take care of the baby right now. We could not tag-team work and childcare. And my Dad, who is taking care of my Niece, lives too far away to watch my baby. Plus, my Niece is in Parent's Day Out and picks up every illness and promptly brings it back to my Dad.
So, here I am. Housewife. I finally have the baby I always wanted and all I want to do is stay at home with her. But I can't shake this feeling of guilt for not contributing financially. I love taking care of my baby. I love cooking. I hate cleaning. I hate not having any money, especially money I earned. And I miss being an adult out there in the world with other adults.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
How long before my wedding ring fits again? And other marriage musings.
5 months postpartum and my ring still doesn't fit.
I know when I was this weight during my pregnancy I still had my ring on, so why won't it fit now? Simple answer, My body has changed. Read Gary Taubes book Why We Get Fat and you'll understand how our hormones, largely determined by our genetic makeup determines where on our body we store fat. It's the reason why some of us are Apples and others are Pears. But pregnancy is a whole new can of hormones and maybe we gain weight in new places now, oh joy. More on that topic another time.
My wedding ring means something to me. It is a connection to my commitment to my husband and a large symbol to the world that I am married. It is the only symbol I bought into in regards to getting married. That, and a hotel room for our wedding night.
If you haven't yet figured out that a new baby puts a huge strain on your relationship, you probably will soon. Pregnancy kicked my husband out of our bed and he has yet to return, sleep is too precious a commodity for both of us. And why not have separate beds? According to sleep studies 25 percent of all couples (in the study) slept in separate bedrooms for better sleep. Although I did recently read another study that suggests men sleep better with a partner. But, what about the partner?
Probably the biggest issue with a new baby is how to take care of/raise the baby. Luckily my husband and I don't really have a problem with this. He's concerned that I'll be too protective and I'm concerned he won't be protective enough so it balances out. That, and as he puts it "I'm letting you drive on this one." So if it's a question on what to do, I get to answer. And a few of the many books I've read about parenting suggest to choose which one of you will be the caregiver and always defer to that person. This saves a lot of arguing.
But I've seen other new parents, who never really talked it out, go to battles about every little detail. Or worse, they silently seethe (I'm guilty of this one). This can destroy a family. All that hostility spills out into every aspect of life. And before too long the love is gone. So many people who get married for love neglect to consider how good of a parent their future spouse may be, or if their parenting styles are similar. First and foremost to know prior to marriage is if your spouse even wants (seriously) children.
My husband and I got married to have children. We talked about it at great length what kind of parents we would be, how many we might want, how we would handle certain situations, but of course now we make it up as we go along. Most of the time it works, except when it doesn't. My biggest complaint is that I wish he would take a more active role in caring for our child, rather than being asked. His biggest complaint is that I need to ask for what I want him to do and not just get upset with him when he doesn't do it. It can be very frustrating.
Our baby comes first for both of us, but we are Partners. So when will the symbol of my partnership, my ring, fit? I can't wait, and that impatience reminds me of how much I love my husband.
I know when I was this weight during my pregnancy I still had my ring on, so why won't it fit now? Simple answer, My body has changed. Read Gary Taubes book Why We Get Fat and you'll understand how our hormones, largely determined by our genetic makeup determines where on our body we store fat. It's the reason why some of us are Apples and others are Pears. But pregnancy is a whole new can of hormones and maybe we gain weight in new places now, oh joy. More on that topic another time.
My wedding ring means something to me. It is a connection to my commitment to my husband and a large symbol to the world that I am married. It is the only symbol I bought into in regards to getting married. That, and a hotel room for our wedding night.
If you haven't yet figured out that a new baby puts a huge strain on your relationship, you probably will soon. Pregnancy kicked my husband out of our bed and he has yet to return, sleep is too precious a commodity for both of us. And why not have separate beds? According to sleep studies 25 percent of all couples (in the study) slept in separate bedrooms for better sleep. Although I did recently read another study that suggests men sleep better with a partner. But, what about the partner?
Probably the biggest issue with a new baby is how to take care of/raise the baby. Luckily my husband and I don't really have a problem with this. He's concerned that I'll be too protective and I'm concerned he won't be protective enough so it balances out. That, and as he puts it "I'm letting you drive on this one." So if it's a question on what to do, I get to answer. And a few of the many books I've read about parenting suggest to choose which one of you will be the caregiver and always defer to that person. This saves a lot of arguing.
But I've seen other new parents, who never really talked it out, go to battles about every little detail. Or worse, they silently seethe (I'm guilty of this one). This can destroy a family. All that hostility spills out into every aspect of life. And before too long the love is gone. So many people who get married for love neglect to consider how good of a parent their future spouse may be, or if their parenting styles are similar. First and foremost to know prior to marriage is if your spouse even wants (seriously) children.
My husband and I got married to have children. We talked about it at great length what kind of parents we would be, how many we might want, how we would handle certain situations, but of course now we make it up as we go along. Most of the time it works, except when it doesn't. My biggest complaint is that I wish he would take a more active role in caring for our child, rather than being asked. His biggest complaint is that I need to ask for what I want him to do and not just get upset with him when he doesn't do it. It can be very frustrating.
Our baby comes first for both of us, but we are Partners. So when will the symbol of my partnership, my ring, fit? I can't wait, and that impatience reminds me of how much I love my husband.
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