Terrified of SIDS

I cannot imagine what it is like for a parent to lose their baby.  But to lose a baby suddenly, without known cause, this fear envelopes nearly all my parenting choices.   I can't count how many times I've had to check to make sure she's still breathing or hasn't pulled her blanket over her face, rolled over to her tummy, or some other risk factor that requires I rush in quietly to fix.

I've read a lot about risk factors and how to reduce the risk for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, or SIDS.  What the main cause seems to really boil down to is lack of oxygen and sleeping too deeply.  Babies sleeping on their tummies, pulling blankets over their face, burrowing into pillows, soft mattresses, or bumper pads, and being too warm are all risk factors.  But there is one other probable factor and that is simply failure to thrive.

Just when I think I've got all the risk factors under control I learn about a new one.  Last night for no apparent reason she was sweating.  She felt clammy.  I took her temperature.  A little up but nothing for alarm.  And then I did a little internet research.  Big mistake.  What do I find?  Sweating is a risk factor for SIDS, because sweating can indicate a heart problem.

These articles are never indepth enough.  So it meant a light sleep for me last night as I worried my baby might not wake up.  When in all reality she was probably just hot.  She did just get a possible heat rash on her belly the other day.

Bottom line, some things we can't control.  Do all that you can to reduce the chance of SIDS.  And then stop worrying.  Easier said than done.

Ugh! Daddies...am I right?

My poor husband.  He tries so hard and often fails so miserably.

Like most daddies, he's the "fun" one.  Her eyes follow him around the room waiting for him to do something funny to make her laugh.  When she sees any man (with a beard) her mouth opens in a half grin ready for the funny.  But, when she is tired or needs comfort she will scream her head off with him, craning her neck to try to find and look at me with pathetic eyes as if to say "why won't you do something."  So, I take her and calm her down and daddy feels bad that he can't do the same.

Daddy goes to work.  Mommy stays home with the baby and the house.  When Daddy comes home Mommy often still doesn't get a break.  And after having to stay up late and get up so very early, I was t.i.r.e.d.  Can Daddy please do this last diaper change of the day?  I should mention our baby has had a yeast rash and we have to layer 4 different ointments on her butt at every change.  Daddy's method:  mix all four together and smear at the same time.  Result:  an unhappy baby that won't go to sleep for the next 3-4 hours.  A Mommy who is also crying because she is so tired.  A Daddy that feels like a jerk because he can't put her to bed, and then forgets to set his own alarm and is 3 hours late for work.  And a rash that looks worse in the morning.

I should know better.  Against my own better judgment I had Daddy change the last diaper.  Against my own experience I had Daddy try to put the baby to bed.  This always results in me getting back up to soothe my now incredibly frustrated baby and husband.  I just want to go to sleep!  Unlike both my baby and husband, I can't nap during the day.

Last night it was the Thunderstorms that kept her awake.  For 2 1/2 hours my baby would not stay asleep.  I was up every 12 minutes, during that time, to fix whatever was the problem, including an extra night feed.  We both were in tears.  And yet, she's up again so early in the morning.  As I finish this post my husband is snoozing on the sofa next to me, and he got to go to bed at the time I wanted. 

So tonight, he's got the night shift.  And I will try my best not to come out of my bedroom because she is wailing. We'll see.

How long before my wedding ring fits again? And other marriage musings.

5 months postpartum and my ring still doesn't fit.

I know when I was this weight during my pregnancy I still had my ring on, so why won't it fit now? Simple answer, My body has changed. Read Gary Taubes book Why We Get Fat and you'll understand how our hormones, largely determined by our genetic makeup determines where on our body we store fat. It's the reason why some of us are Apples and others are Pears. But pregnancy is a whole new can of hormones and maybe we gain weight in new places now, oh joy. More on that topic another time.

My wedding ring means something to me. It is a connection to my commitment to my husband and a large symbol to the world that I am married. It is the only symbol I bought into in regards to getting married. That, and a hotel room for our wedding night.

If you haven't yet figured out that a new baby puts a huge strain on your relationship, you probably will soon. Pregnancy kicked my husband out of our bed and he has yet to return, sleep is too precious a commodity for both of us. And why not have separate beds? According to sleep studies 25 percent of all couples (in the study) slept in separate bedrooms for better sleep.  Although I did recently read another study that suggests men sleep better with a partner. But, what about the partner?

Probably the biggest issue with a new baby is how to take care of/raise the baby. Luckily my husband and I don't really have a problem with this. He's concerned that I'll be too protective and I'm concerned he won't be protective enough so it balances out. That, and as he puts it "I'm letting you drive on this one." So if it's a question on what to do, I get to answer. And a few of the many books I've read about parenting suggest to choose which one of you will be the caregiver and always defer to that person. This saves a lot of arguing.

But I've seen other new parents, who never really talked it out, go to battles about every little detail.  Or worse, they silently seethe (I'm guilty of this one). This can destroy a family. All that hostility spills out into every aspect of life. And before too long the love is gone. So many people who get married for love neglect to consider how good of a parent their future spouse may be, or if their parenting styles are similar. First and foremost to know prior to marriage is if your spouse even wants (seriously) children.

My husband and I got married to have children. We talked about it at great length what kind of parents we would be, how many we might want, how we would handle certain situations, but of course now we make it up as we go along.  Most of the time it works, except when it doesn't.  My biggest complaint is that I wish he would take a more active role in caring for our child, rather than being asked.  His biggest complaint is that I need to ask for what I want him to do and not just get upset with him when he doesn't do it.  It can be very frustrating.

Our baby comes first for both of us, but we are Partners. So when will the symbol of my partnership, my ring, fit? I can't wait, and that impatience reminds me of how much I love my husband.

If at the end of the day everyone lives...

As a new (or soon to be new) parent, I'm sure you've heard the phrase that if everyone is alive at the end of the day (or the beginning the way I measure) then the day was a success.

This couldn't be more true the first few weeks. Trying to function on hardly any sleep and living high stress with trying to figure out what to do with this little creature, it's hard to imagine I ever had time to shower or cook a meal. I don't remember much from those days.

But should I still be telling myself this at 5 months? Do I still have the right to make excuses for not showering, for my house being a wreck, and letting my friendships fall by the wayside? I'm guessing this all comes with the territory of having children. Good parents will always put their children's needs first.

For a few precious weeks (sometime late in the 3rd month) we had a great nighttime routine and I could get a 6 hour stretch of sleep. This is very crucial for my sanity and ability to function. Then the teething began. Oh, she'll sleep for 10 hours a night, but she needs to get up at least once to eat, twice during growth spurts. Not that big of a deal, but I get all the night feedings and this means I never get more than 4 or 5 hours a night. If I can get back to sleep maybe I can grab another 2.

Sleeping when the baby sleeps is a big joke that I learned the punch line to in the first few weeks of motherhood.

But for some reason this sleep disruption has sent me back to the dark ages of babydom where I just can't get anything done. My heart goes out to parents working outside of the home having to try to function in the workplace on little to no sleep. Or to parents of older children (of which one day I hope to aspire) who just have to keep trucking no matter what.

Having struggled (and still struggling) with PPD - Postpartum Depression, I find it hard to want to interact with anybody other than my spouse. Leaving the house is a chore I just don't have the energy to do, and I sometimes dread. I honestly don't have the energy to do anything that I don't have to do-which really centers around taking care of the baby. And even then sometimes I don't have the energy to do that.

Thankfully I have a partner who is able to help sometimes, but definitely when I am at my wits end. In the morning my baby is alive, and she smiles to see me, so I must be doing something right.