Traditional? Roles, i.e. The Housewife

When I was little I never really dreamed of what profession I would have as a grown up.  Some of my loftier ideas were Pediatrician, Veterinarian, and New York City Clothing Designer.  The last one fell to the wayside with my abhorrence of consumerism, but also because of my lack of ambition and talent.  Mostly I just wanted to be a Mommy.  I got to do this professionally for more than 20 years.

In all that time of dreaming of being a Mommy, I never really thought about how I would make money.  I would fantasize about winning Publishers Clearing House or inheriting a ton of money from some long lost relative, or marrying rich.  My own Mom had a slogan, from someone else I'm sure, that if you marry rich you earn every penny.  I assumed she knew what she was talking about, firstly because my Dad's name is "Rich," and although she and my Dad fought about finances as much as any couple, I always felt secure in their holdings if not their marriage.  They just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary.  But I wanted to marry rich not just to be taken care of, but so I would never have to argue about money with my spouse.  Naive, yes.  I now know that no matter how much money a couple has, it is a source of arguments.

I don't care much about material things anymore, I don't need to be lottery rich, I just want to be able to live.  We don't spend a lot of money.  Our top two purchases, other than rent and utilities, are Food, from grocery stores, and Gas, to get to said grocery and work.  I ask myself before every purchase "Do I need this?"  And I'm constantly giving things away that I don't need any longer.  All that being said, we are broke.  I've been broke before and this is it.  We haven't gotten to the hot dog, Ramen noodle broke, but we have no money to spare, and slightly less than we need.

My husband and I were Farmers, this just recently (4 months ago), unexpectedly, and irrevocably ended.  Our savings were invested in that farm.  Our goal was to not be in debt, thankfully this was achieved.  We had made a small profit in year 3, and we were on track to make a decent profit in year 4.  We were left with nothing but a place to live, that while the rent is low, we still can't afford.  No means of income, little savings, and with a new (3 week old) baby.

My husband is still trying to psychologically climb out from this (his family farm-that he started), find work, and make enough money for us to live.  We are barely getting by.  He finally got full time at his hourly wage job so hopefully we will have enough to actually get by on, and maybe save up enough to move.

My problem, I can't help.  I can't just go out and get a job, I have a baby to take care of.  So I feel like no help.  Putting my child in daycare so I can go back to work would eat all my earnings, so that's pointless.  And my husband just isn't able to take care of the baby right now.  We could not tag-team work and childcare.  And my Dad, who is taking care of my Niece, lives too far away to watch my baby.  Plus, my Niece is in Parent's Day Out and picks up every illness and promptly brings it back to my Dad.

So, here I am.  Housewife.  I finally have the baby I always wanted and all I want to do is stay at home with her.  But I can't shake this feeling of guilt for not contributing financially.  I love taking care of my baby.  I love cooking.  I hate cleaning.  I hate not having any money, especially money I earned.  And I miss being an adult out there in the world with other adults.

Pregnancy Is Not A Disablity...But, It Was For Me

I was a farmer.  A farmer works outside year round, in some less than desirable conditions.  It was the hardest, most stressful job, that I loved.  When I found out I was pregnant, early June, we were deep into the busiest time of the year.  Based on research for safe pregnancies, I immediately scratched 1/4 of the things I could do, like collecting eggs (Toxoplasmosis) or working with the Bees and Sheep, off my list.

3 more weeks in I was no longer able to work outside because of the heat.  After about 1/2 an hour I would have to lie down or pass out.  At the same time I was less able to do indoor tasks as well because of my nausea.  Try washing stinky eggs, oven-drying tomatoes, or baking for the markets all day while experiencing the worst nausea of your life...every day for 2 months.  I would cry at night because I didn't want to go to bed and wake up to another day of nausea like the one I had just experienced.  I felt so bad that when I would get worried about a miscarriage my thoughts drifted to-at least I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.

Finally around week 16, I started to feel better and it had cooled down outside.  I could even go to the Farmers' Markets and work.  But I could no longer lift anything heavy.  We participated in fall/winter markets and we kept animals, so there was never an off season.

By 25 weeks, I started having Carpal Tunnel symptoms.  I was just learning how to Knit, because I made Crochet and Knit items for the winter markets.  In a few more weeks not only would I not be able to knit, I wouldn't be able to hold a book or a spatula and pan.

Then in week 35 I over worked my pelvic joints while hanging curtains and from then on I could no longer stand, walk, or move without being in serious pain.  It was so bad, a few weeks before delivery my husband made me call the emergency line for my OB/GYN on a Saturday morning because I almost couldn't get into his truck and when I did it hurt so bad I was crying.

So, for the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy all I could do without being in pain was sit and stare.  Add to this prenatal depression and anxiety for most of the pregnancy.  If you have or are suffering from prenatal depression or anxiety please keep your partner or doctor current on how you feel.  If you haven't suffered, don't make judgements.  Having been a long-time sufferer of depression and anxiety I can say this was the worst I've ever experienced, except I never got suicidal.  I however was convinced that the pregnancy was going to kill me.  I did get some relief, see my future post on supplements during pregnancy.

It was a tough year full of suffering, but also joy.  I did lose some friends out of the experience, but other friendships were strengthened.  I learn a hard lesson every year.  This year's lesson was:

*You can't possibly know what someone else is going through.  You can sympathize but don't empathize, and don't judge!  Every experience is different not just for different people, but sometimes with the same person on different occasions.  Don't compare situations.  Just because you had a similar experience you can't know how the other person is feeling or what they are experiencing.  And if you've never had a similar experience keep your opinions to yourself!*

As for the last statement, I learned long ago that you don't know what you are capable of, or what you will do in a situation until you are in it.  If you love someone-be supportive.