Going Gluten Free...Again

A couple of months into my pregnancy I realized that gluten containing foods did not make me nauseated after eating.  Forget what they were doing to the rest of my body.  At that time I was so sick most of the time, I would cry myself to sleep because I didn't want to wake up to another day feeling like that.  Since I don't have Celiacs, I don't suffer quite so badly when I do eat gluten.  I was willing to suffer the physical pain and bloating, skin conditions, and brain fog just to eat without repercussions.

6 months postpartum and I'm still eating gluten.  It's been a year now.  I gained far too much weight during my pregnancy, my mom thinks mainly due to my gluten consumption.  And the weight is hardly coming off.  I haven't even lost the weight I put on postpartum due to Zoloft, which I only took for about 6 weeks anyway.  But beyond the weight, I am in constant physical pain.  I hurt all over and severly in some places.  If I go for an average walk, or do average household chores, or run errands I can barely move I'm in so much pain.  I don't use ibuprofin unless necessary for two reasons, it increases blood pressure (I've had pre-hypertention since mid-pregnancy), and it masks the cause by covering the symptoms.  I think my phyisical pain is gluten related.

So, how hard is it to go gluten free when I'd been gluten free for 5 years?  Very hard.  I'd forgotten how good all those foods tasted and what great texture they had.  I'd forgotten how easy it is to get soluble fiber from super whole wheat.  Or how easy it is to not have to question every single thing I eat.  Or how nice it is to be able to eat other people's cooking.  Thanks to pregnancy and then poverty I didn't really take advantage of being able to eat at restaurants.  But that's probably for the best.

I did admit recently that I can no longer eat oats.  It's possible I may have to go grain free.  I certainly know that grain free/sugar free is the best way to lose weight.

The bottom line is I've got to feel better.  My baby is growing at an alarming rate and I can barely keep up with her now.  I can't imagine what it'll be like when she's crawling fast or walking.  And I need to be able to do things with her.  I've also been stuck in a depression since pregnancy that I need to be able to shake and I know gluten has a direct correlation.  I also know depression and physical pain are related.  The gluten has got to go.

Anxiety and Motherhood

"Nobody said it was going to be easy, at least nobody said it to me."  -The Big Chill, 1984

Hoo Boy!  I thought day to day living for myself was stressful.  Now I have this little being who relies on me for everything.  She can't talk, so I have no idea what's going on with her.  And she's so little, problems that would be little stuff to a grown-up are a big deal.  It's a constant worry rollercoaster.  What if she smothers in her sleep?  What if we get in a car accident?  What if I drop her?  What if she accidentally bangs her head against the wall?  What if her formula is toxic?  What if our carpeting is toxic?  What if the fluoride in the water is rotting her enamel or causing thyroid issues?  What if she finds tiny things to put into her mouth and chokes on them?  Did that sick person just touch her, kiss her, sneeze or cough in her general direction?  Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

I've lived with depression and anxiety for decades now, since puberty really.  And I know I considered the extra stress of having a baby at several points in my life.  But I just didn't think it would be this stressful.  I've been a caregiver my whole life.  I've never worried so much about the survival of any of my charges until it was my own.  All those big bad scary thoughts that made me afraid to live are making it hard for me to live and let my baby live in this big bad world.

My husband thinks I over react a lot.  He just doesn't think it's that horrible of a world that I need to protect her so much.  But my protective mode is in over-drive.  And it's only going to get worse as she gets older and gets out into the world herself and eventually on her own.  I can't overlook one single danger.  He's worried I'm turning into an agoraphobe, but really it's just hard on me and the baby physically to leave the house.  And we don't really have money to go do things-even for me to just drive into the city regularly to see friends and family.  And when I do she doesn't eat or sleep well and it is stressful for her, and then me.

And it is getting worse.  The high blood pressure spikes my anxiety and my supplements aren't doing enough.  But the prescriptions weren't either, and at least supplements don't have terrible side effects.  They are just expensive.  And it only gets more expensive the more I take to try to be comfortable with life.  I know I do better when I get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, spend time with other adults.  But all of these things are hard to do when you have an infant.

Who Loves The Sun?

A phenomenon occurred during my pregnancy.  I could no longer tolerate sunshine on my skin.  It felt like my skin was on fire and my skin would stay flushed for hours following exposure, even from just a few minutes.  I used to call it devil face it would get so red.  In addition to that if I had to do anything while in the sun it would immediately make me short of breath and fatigued.  Even on the coldest winter days I would have to shield my face.

Now 6 months postpartum I no longer feel like my face is on fire, but I also don't want to be in the sun.  I still get flushed and overheated.  For this reason, I don't like being outside unless it is overcast, I now look forward to rainy days, and I can't wait for fall/winter.

But it's not just me, my baby can't tolerate the heat either.  And she is just now the recommended age for using sunscreen.  But when she's in the heat she gets hot, sweaty, flushed, uncomfortable, over-tired, and fussy.

This really sucks because I spent all those months being house bound from pregnancy and now I am still from the sun and heat.  I know it would be good for both of us to get out of the house more, but we can't.  I can't imagine what people do (or did) without air conditioning.  I am desperate to move to a more hospitable climate.  England sounds really good to me.

Losing The Baby Weight, Part 1, 0-6 months Postpartum

6 years ago, at age 28, I lost enough weight that I weighed less than I have since 7th grade. I felt good about myself and was more physically active because it was easier to move. At that time I was eating a mostly grain-free, sugar-free diet. And yet, even with a restricted diet, calorie restriction, and regular exercise, I was never able to get slimmer than 191 lbs.

After 2 years of being able to maintain my weight loss, I began slowly putting the weight back on. It seemed like no matter what I tried the scale kept going up. Finally at the beginning of 2011, at around 250 lbs, I had to do something. I managed to lose 17 lbs, at the rate of 1 lb per week, and then I got pregnant. I gained 60 lbs during pregnancy, but lost 20 with the birth. Then PPD hit, and I went on Zoloft. I gained 10 lbs in 3 weeks! My hypertension returned.  In the several weeks following I slowly lowered my average daily calorie intake to 2,250 and started exercising moderately, I didn't lose any weight, I actually gained a little more.

I decided to get off Zoloft. The only real cure for high blood pressure is weight loss, and this was just not possible on Zoloft. It also was not the magic pill I was hoping it would be. Honestly, for anxiety I prefer SAM-e, and it has the added benefit of supporting my joints. I'll never really know if the Zoloft helped that much, if it was time, or fish oil, or forcing myself to get active again and eat better. To be honest it was the Zoloft that was making me too tired to exercise, and want to eat so badly.

But even once I got off of Zoloft I still couldn't lose any weight. Until the week I ran out of Oatmeal. For years I've known that gluten causes me to bloat, probably a histamine reaction. This does two things, my joints ache all over making it painful to move, and I want to eat more and more gluten-a common reaction to a food allergy. I've suspected Oatmeal did the same thing, yes, even gluten free oatmeal. Well I was right. I lost 8 lbs that week, and another 1.5 lbs the week following.

My first goal is to get back to the weight I was when I left the hospital the second time. I am 1.5 lbs away from that goal.  My second goal is to get back to the weight I was before I became pregnant.

Since I have long studied weight loss I know the two biggest misconceptions about weight loss and I will share them with you.  Exercise does not help you lose weight.  It actually makes you hungrier.  But exercise is important to be healthy and strong.  Secondly, it's not how much you eat, it's what you eat and how often.  Since fat stores get used when we go for long periods without an insulin response, you will lose weight going for long stretches without eating (like at night when you sleep) or if you eat foods that don't spike insulin such as protein and non-starchy vegetables.  The reason why calorie restriction works is because it keeps you from eating too much of the foods that keep you from losing weight.  You can read all about this in Gary Taubes Why We Get Fat.

I physically couldn't Breastfeed, it truly happens so don't judge!

5 1/2 months out and I'm still deeply saddened by my inability to breastfeed my baby.  I physically didn't make milk.  I never got engorged.  I never leaked milk.  There was no pain in "drying up."

For 8 weeks, I double pumped 8-12 times a day producing an average of 22 ml a day, less than 1 ounce.  In addition to that I nursed 6-8 times a day, usually only 5 minutes a side because she wasn't getting any milk and would get frustrated.  My whole day was to attempt to nurse, bottle feed, double pump, clean up, repeat.  I barely had anytime to do anything including sleep and eat.  I feel like I missed the first 8 weeks of her life.  But I knew that if I didn't try I would always feel badly about that.  The problem is I still feel badly.  I still wonder-if I had just tried for 1 more week.

While my situation is a little muddled because of having Postpartum Preeclampsia, I still don't think I was ever going to produce milk.  I so wanted the best for my baby.  For her to eat real food and not junk food.  I have no idea how this will affect her health and well being.  But she's alive and she's growing.  Every day I think about how I missed out on this precious experience.  I know breast feeding is hard, but it's also incredibly easy, and good for the baby and you.

If I could breast feed, we'd never have to buy formula.  I wouldn't have to daily wash bottles, sterilize water, pack bottles to go.  Have a sticky mess on my counter from spilled powder.  I could just pick her up to feed her instead of listening to her cry while I fix a bottle.  It truly would be a time and money saver.

However...I would have to deal with a more restricted diet, being crazy hungry all the time, sore nipples, gumming and biting, the struggle of latching and re-latching in crazy holds, feeding more frequently, and the dreaded thrush, and plugged ducts (which I've had).

But, the worst part of all is when people ask and I tell them "I physically couldn't breast feed."  They honestly tell me, not in so many words, "Maybe you didn't try hard enough."  Are you F*ing kidding me?  Insult to Injury indeed!  Please let's not shame a mother for her choice, or sometimes what isn't her choice.  I can feel envious of other mothers who choose not to breast feed, I wish I'd had that luxury.  But I never berate them for not breastfeeding.  And to be perfectly honest, it's none of my business.  Just as it's not the business of anyone else to pass judgement on me for formula feeding.

Supplementing During Pregnancy

Supplements (not vitamins or minerals) are not studied for health benefits the way prescription drugs are.  So, there isn't a whole lot of information on the safety of use during pregnancy.  And legally they can't be recommended, except by a Doctor, who probably won't recommend their use because s/he either doesn't know a whole lot about supplements, or just wants to play it safe to avoid a law suit.

So how can you know what is safe to take?  Hopefully my own knowledge and experience will enlighten you on the topic.  While I am not a Doctor or Medical Practitioner, I have studied natural remedies for years and worked professionally in the field for 3 years.  Below are the 4 best supplements for women, in my opinion.  As always, discuss with your doctor, do your own research, and make your own best choices for you.  I do not recommend or suggest you take the following supplements, I only share with you my experience and findings.

Prenatal Multi-Vitamin:  Your Doctor definitely wants you to take these, and will even prescribe them once your pregnancy is confirmed.  In fact most Doctors would suggest you start taking them a few months prior to conception.  The idea is to get Folic Acid built up in your system since it has been shown to reduce birth defects.  It, like most vitamins, is water soluble so you waste what your body doesn't absorb.  It is with that knowledge that one-a-day vitamins are not giving you the best benefit or the most for your money.  Also, synthetic nutrients are not as readily absorbed, which is why a food sourced, multiple is best.  I used New Chapter Organics Perfect Prenatal.  It is a 3-a-day, small and easy to swallow, that you can even take on an empty stomach.  It did not increase my morning sickness and did not make me constipated.  I only took 2 a day, because that's what made me feel my best.  I was also eating fortified cereals so I felt confident I was getting enough folic acid.

Probiotics:  None of my medical practitioners could advise me on the safety of taking Probiotics during Pregnancy.  Since I couldn't eat dairy during my pregnancy, yogurt (a natural source of Probiotics) was off the menu.  Probiotics are natural "good" bacteria that support your intestinal flora by increasing good bacteria and suppressing the bad.  I figured Probiotics were alright to take during pregnancy, just not the "green" kind.  I have to say, I am sorry I didn't start taking them sooner.  In addition to supporting my immune system, essential during pregnancy and cold and flu season, Probiotics seemed to ease my anxiety and depression, and kept me regular.  I have long suffered a slow digestion which means two things, constipation (why I avoid dairy), and bacterial overgrowth (leads to all sorts of health problems including depression).  I ended up using Solaray MultiDophilus 12 Billion.  I took one a day at bedtime.  Probiotics also slowed down my pregnancy weight gain, but so did giving up dairy.  I researched the link between weight gain and dairy, which is not a myth, and discovered that only yogurt doesn't make you gain weight because of the Probiotics.

Calcium:  Because I was not eating dairy, I needed to supplement with Calcium.  Pregnant women should aim for at least 1,200-2,000mg a day.  But, your body can only absorb 500mg at a time.  It is best to find a supplement with only 500 per capsule.  Also, Calcium Citrate Malate is the best form for supplementation.  Calcium Carbonate does not get utilized as well, and has been linked to Kidney Stones.  I chose Solaray Calcium with an 85 percent Citrate Malate to 15 percent Carbonate.  It was 250 per capsule, I took 2 a day.  I was still able to eat cheese, legumes, leafy greens (all excellent sources of calcium), and my dairy substitutes (almond and coconut milk) had Calcium Carbonate supplementation.  It is entirely possible that the reason I didn't get Preeclampsia during my pregnancy, and my postpartum Preeclampsia was not as severe, was due to Calcium supplementation.  It is thought that 1,500-2,000mg a day can lesson severity of Preeclampsia and Pregnancy Induced Hypertension (which I had).

Fish Oil, Omega 3 Fatty Acids:  I was so hesitant to use fish oil during pregnancy because of my fear of mercury contamination.  Even though I had a top brand, it tasted "fishy" which usually means spoilage.  I know how these products are produced, packed, and shipped, but once in the store it's anyones guess how long they've been on the shelf, exposed to heat and sunlight.  It is always best to put in a special request for the next shipment.  They will pull it once it comes in and put it in a drawer, calling you that day so you can pick it up immediately.  The only brands of liquid I use are Carlson's and Nordic Naturals.  Get one with lemon to make it more palatable.  The gel caps will give you fish burp and are more expensive, but NN makes a prenatal omega 3.  This supplement supports every part of your body, including your stretching skin, which can help reduce stretch marks.  I regret not taking this regularly.  Although when I did take it, it would make me weepy for some reason, even postpartum.  Since I switched to NN, I have not felt weepy.  There is no medical evidence to support the claim that fish oil reduces your risk of gestational diabetes and preeclampsia.  However, there have been some studies that suggest there are other pregnancy risks with fish oil supplementation (not mercury contamination).  I only supplemented during the last trimester and at most 1 teaspoon of oil every other day.  But I use it every day otherwise, and it in my opinion is the best supplement for your whole body.

What Is A Menstrual Cup?

At 19, a friend told me about The Keeper menstrual cup.  Twice in my life I had gotten Menorrhagia and wished I'd had a menstrual cup but I didn't know they existed.  Even still, it took me 3 years to come around to the idea and actually buy and use one.

It took 3 months for me to break-it-in as it were and then it was incredibly comfortable.  Most of the time I didn't feel it, and some times I would forget I was wearing it.  I often would still wear a reusable pad or pantyliner (just in case).  But the great part was not having to change it every time I went to the bathroom.  It doesn't absorb urine.  And it doesn't dry you out.  On light days I only change it twice a day.  There have been no known cases of Toxic Shock Syndrome with a menstrual cup.  I just use soap and water to wash my cup when I'm done using it for the cycle.  You can boil it or run it through the dishwasher, if it's made from medical grade silicone, like the Moon or Lunette Cup.

I just purchased my new Keeper (post baby size) and I've finally broken it in.  So I'm all set for the last 11 and the next 9 years (20 years total) and the cost has been around $80.  Plus I am not creating and throwing away all that garbage.  And I never have to pack anything with me when I go places because I'm already wearing it.  Some people complain of having to change it when out and about.  But honestly just wipe the edge with some toilet paper.  The only real danger might be dropping it in the toilet.  Then I would boil it.  Luckily this has never happened to me.

So to re-cap, it's easier, cheaper, more sanitary, less wasteful, environmentally friendly, and more comfortable.  Why wouldn't you use one?  Just in case you are allergic to gum rubber, what The Keeper is made from, there is also The Moon Cup and The Diva Cup and the Lunette Cup made from medical grade silicone.

My favorite shop for reusable menstrual products is Glad Rags.  I even was one of their "friend of the month" featured stories, and that's how I restocked my reusable pads for free.  But since I sew I also make my own.

Pregnancy Is Not A Disablity...But, It Was For Me

I was a farmer.  A farmer works outside year round, in some less than desirable conditions.  It was the hardest, most stressful job, that I loved.  When I found out I was pregnant, early June, we were deep into the busiest time of the year.  Based on research for safe pregnancies, I immediately scratched 1/4 of the things I could do, like collecting eggs (Toxoplasmosis) or working with the Bees and Sheep, off my list.

3 more weeks in I was no longer able to work outside because of the heat.  After about 1/2 an hour I would have to lie down or pass out.  At the same time I was less able to do indoor tasks as well because of my nausea.  Try washing stinky eggs, oven-drying tomatoes, or baking for the markets all day while experiencing the worst nausea of your life...every day for 2 months.  I would cry at night because I didn't want to go to bed and wake up to another day of nausea like the one I had just experienced.  I felt so bad that when I would get worried about a miscarriage my thoughts drifted to-at least I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.

Finally around week 16, I started to feel better and it had cooled down outside.  I could even go to the Farmers' Markets and work.  But I could no longer lift anything heavy.  We participated in fall/winter markets and we kept animals, so there was never an off season.

By 25 weeks, I started having Carpal Tunnel symptoms.  I was just learning how to Knit, because I made Crochet and Knit items for the winter markets.  In a few more weeks not only would I not be able to knit, I wouldn't be able to hold a book or a spatula and pan.

Then in week 35 I over worked my pelvic joints while hanging curtains and from then on I could no longer stand, walk, or move without being in serious pain.  It was so bad, a few weeks before delivery my husband made me call the emergency line for my OB/GYN on a Saturday morning because I almost couldn't get into his truck and when I did it hurt so bad I was crying.

So, for the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy all I could do without being in pain was sit and stare.  Add to this prenatal depression and anxiety for most of the pregnancy.  If you have or are suffering from prenatal depression or anxiety please keep your partner or doctor current on how you feel.  If you haven't suffered, don't make judgements.  Having been a long-time sufferer of depression and anxiety I can say this was the worst I've ever experienced, except I never got suicidal.  I however was convinced that the pregnancy was going to kill me.  I did get some relief, see my future post on supplements during pregnancy.

It was a tough year full of suffering, but also joy.  I did lose some friends out of the experience, but other friendships were strengthened.  I learn a hard lesson every year.  This year's lesson was:

*You can't possibly know what someone else is going through.  You can sympathize but don't empathize, and don't judge!  Every experience is different not just for different people, but sometimes with the same person on different occasions.  Don't compare situations.  Just because you had a similar experience you can't know how the other person is feeling or what they are experiencing.  And if you've never had a similar experience keep your opinions to yourself!*

As for the last statement, I learned long ago that you don't know what you are capable of, or what you will do in a situation until you are in it.  If you love someone-be supportive.