Anxiety and Motherhood

"Nobody said it was going to be easy, at least nobody said it to me."  -The Big Chill, 1984

Hoo Boy!  I thought day to day living for myself was stressful.  Now I have this little being who relies on me for everything.  She can't talk, so I have no idea what's going on with her.  And she's so little, problems that would be little stuff to a grown-up are a big deal.  It's a constant worry rollercoaster.  What if she smothers in her sleep?  What if we get in a car accident?  What if I drop her?  What if she accidentally bangs her head against the wall?  What if her formula is toxic?  What if our carpeting is toxic?  What if the fluoride in the water is rotting her enamel or causing thyroid issues?  What if she finds tiny things to put into her mouth and chokes on them?  Did that sick person just touch her, kiss her, sneeze or cough in her general direction?  Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

I've lived with depression and anxiety for decades now, since puberty really.  And I know I considered the extra stress of having a baby at several points in my life.  But I just didn't think it would be this stressful.  I've been a caregiver my whole life.  I've never worried so much about the survival of any of my charges until it was my own.  All those big bad scary thoughts that made me afraid to live are making it hard for me to live and let my baby live in this big bad world.

My husband thinks I over react a lot.  He just doesn't think it's that horrible of a world that I need to protect her so much.  But my protective mode is in over-drive.  And it's only going to get worse as she gets older and gets out into the world herself and eventually on her own.  I can't overlook one single danger.  He's worried I'm turning into an agoraphobe, but really it's just hard on me and the baby physically to leave the house.  And we don't really have money to go do things-even for me to just drive into the city regularly to see friends and family.  And when I do she doesn't eat or sleep well and it is stressful for her, and then me.

And it is getting worse.  The high blood pressure spikes my anxiety and my supplements aren't doing enough.  But the prescriptions weren't either, and at least supplements don't have terrible side effects.  They are just expensive.  And it only gets more expensive the more I take to try to be comfortable with life.  I know I do better when I get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, spend time with other adults.  But all of these things are hard to do when you have an infant.