Traditional? Roles, i.e. The Housewife

When I was little I never really dreamed of what profession I would have as a grown up.  Some of my loftier ideas were Pediatrician, Veterinarian, and New York City Clothing Designer.  The last one fell to the wayside with my abhorrence of consumerism, but also because of my lack of ambition and talent.  Mostly I just wanted to be a Mommy.  I got to do this professionally for more than 20 years.

In all that time of dreaming of being a Mommy, I never really thought about how I would make money.  I would fantasize about winning Publishers Clearing House or inheriting a ton of money from some long lost relative, or marrying rich.  My own Mom had a slogan, from someone else I'm sure, that if you marry rich you earn every penny.  I assumed she knew what she was talking about, firstly because my Dad's name is "Rich," and although she and my Dad fought about finances as much as any couple, I always felt secure in their holdings if not their marriage.  They just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary.  But I wanted to marry rich not just to be taken care of, but so I would never have to argue about money with my spouse.  Naive, yes.  I now know that no matter how much money a couple has, it is a source of arguments.

I don't care much about material things anymore, I don't need to be lottery rich, I just want to be able to live.  We don't spend a lot of money.  Our top two purchases, other than rent and utilities, are Food, from grocery stores, and Gas, to get to said grocery and work.  I ask myself before every purchase "Do I need this?"  And I'm constantly giving things away that I don't need any longer.  All that being said, we are broke.  I've been broke before and this is it.  We haven't gotten to the hot dog, Ramen noodle broke, but we have no money to spare, and slightly less than we need.

My husband and I were Farmers, this just recently (4 months ago), unexpectedly, and irrevocably ended.  Our savings were invested in that farm.  Our goal was to not be in debt, thankfully this was achieved.  We had made a small profit in year 3, and we were on track to make a decent profit in year 4.  We were left with nothing but a place to live, that while the rent is low, we still can't afford.  No means of income, little savings, and with a new (3 week old) baby.

My husband is still trying to psychologically climb out from this (his family farm-that he started), find work, and make enough money for us to live.  We are barely getting by.  He finally got full time at his hourly wage job so hopefully we will have enough to actually get by on, and maybe save up enough to move.

My problem, I can't help.  I can't just go out and get a job, I have a baby to take care of.  So I feel like no help.  Putting my child in daycare so I can go back to work would eat all my earnings, so that's pointless.  And my husband just isn't able to take care of the baby right now.  We could not tag-team work and childcare.  And my Dad, who is taking care of my Niece, lives too far away to watch my baby.  Plus, my Niece is in Parent's Day Out and picks up every illness and promptly brings it back to my Dad.

So, here I am.  Housewife.  I finally have the baby I always wanted and all I want to do is stay at home with her.  But I can't shake this feeling of guilt for not contributing financially.  I love taking care of my baby.  I love cooking.  I hate cleaning.  I hate not having any money, especially money I earned.  And I miss being an adult out there in the world with other adults.