How to praise children correctly

A bit of a long read, but this article, talks all about how to praise kids in the correct way to keep them motivated.  It sounds like a good idea to tell our kids they are smart whenever they figure out how to do something on their own.  But according to case studies in this article it actually discourages them from working hard to achieve, and from trying new things out of fear of possible failure.  Praise is a very powerful tool.  To use it effectively it is important to be specific, explain why this child earned praise.  It is equally important to acknowledge hard work.

Speaking as one of those "smart" kids, I was constantly told I was smart, and validated by my test scores.  But when it came down to class or home work, it wasn't so much that I didn't want to fail, I didn't want to have to work hard.  To quote Paris Geller from the Gilmore Girls "Stupid I can work with.  I can scare the stupid out of you, but the lazy runs deep."

The weird thing is is that eventually the work became easier for me and that's when I started getting good grades.  It's also possible I had some learning difficulties as a child.  I always had a hard time with directions, I just couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do.  A lot of the time directions aren't explicit.  For instance I could never figure out how to answer questions like:  Did you or didn't you go to the store?  There are four possible ways to answer this.  As a joke my hubs always answers questions like these with a simple yes.

So what is achievement?  I feel like this can only be measured personally.  It would be succeeding at things that have meaning or are important to the individual.  It reads to me that this article is praising lifelong learning.  How can we know what has meaning or is important if we are not constantly searching.  That constant search takes a willingness to try new things and hard work.  It's complacency that is easy.  Digging a rut to get comfortable.  This sounds like a prison of one's own building.  Break out, see more, do more.  The world is so much bigger than one little corner.  Never stop trying new things.

Going Gluten Free...Again

A couple of months into my pregnancy I realized that gluten containing foods did not make me nauseated after eating.  Forget what they were doing to the rest of my body.  At that time I was so sick most of the time, I would cry myself to sleep because I didn't want to wake up to another day feeling like that.  Since I don't have Celiacs, I don't suffer quite so badly when I do eat gluten.  I was willing to suffer the physical pain and bloating, skin conditions, and brain fog just to eat without repercussions.

6 months postpartum and I'm still eating gluten.  It's been a year now.  I gained far too much weight during my pregnancy, my mom thinks mainly due to my gluten consumption.  And the weight is hardly coming off.  I haven't even lost the weight I put on postpartum due to Zoloft, which I only took for about 6 weeks anyway.  But beyond the weight, I am in constant physical pain.  I hurt all over and severly in some places.  If I go for an average walk, or do average household chores, or run errands I can barely move I'm in so much pain.  I don't use ibuprofin unless necessary for two reasons, it increases blood pressure (I've had pre-hypertention since mid-pregnancy), and it masks the cause by covering the symptoms.  I think my phyisical pain is gluten related.

So, how hard is it to go gluten free when I'd been gluten free for 5 years?  Very hard.  I'd forgotten how good all those foods tasted and what great texture they had.  I'd forgotten how easy it is to get soluble fiber from super whole wheat.  Or how easy it is to not have to question every single thing I eat.  Or how nice it is to be able to eat other people's cooking.  Thanks to pregnancy and then poverty I didn't really take advantage of being able to eat at restaurants.  But that's probably for the best.

I did admit recently that I can no longer eat oats.  It's possible I may have to go grain free.  I certainly know that grain free/sugar free is the best way to lose weight.

The bottom line is I've got to feel better.  My baby is growing at an alarming rate and I can barely keep up with her now.  I can't imagine what it'll be like when she's crawling fast or walking.  And I need to be able to do things with her.  I've also been stuck in a depression since pregnancy that I need to be able to shake and I know gluten has a direct correlation.  I also know depression and physical pain are related.  The gluten has got to go.

Anxiety and Motherhood

"Nobody said it was going to be easy, at least nobody said it to me."  -The Big Chill, 1984

Hoo Boy!  I thought day to day living for myself was stressful.  Now I have this little being who relies on me for everything.  She can't talk, so I have no idea what's going on with her.  And she's so little, problems that would be little stuff to a grown-up are a big deal.  It's a constant worry rollercoaster.  What if she smothers in her sleep?  What if we get in a car accident?  What if I drop her?  What if she accidentally bangs her head against the wall?  What if her formula is toxic?  What if our carpeting is toxic?  What if the fluoride in the water is rotting her enamel or causing thyroid issues?  What if she finds tiny things to put into her mouth and chokes on them?  Did that sick person just touch her, kiss her, sneeze or cough in her general direction?  Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

I've lived with depression and anxiety for decades now, since puberty really.  And I know I considered the extra stress of having a baby at several points in my life.  But I just didn't think it would be this stressful.  I've been a caregiver my whole life.  I've never worried so much about the survival of any of my charges until it was my own.  All those big bad scary thoughts that made me afraid to live are making it hard for me to live and let my baby live in this big bad world.

My husband thinks I over react a lot.  He just doesn't think it's that horrible of a world that I need to protect her so much.  But my protective mode is in over-drive.  And it's only going to get worse as she gets older and gets out into the world herself and eventually on her own.  I can't overlook one single danger.  He's worried I'm turning into an agoraphobe, but really it's just hard on me and the baby physically to leave the house.  And we don't really have money to go do things-even for me to just drive into the city regularly to see friends and family.  And when I do she doesn't eat or sleep well and it is stressful for her, and then me.

And it is getting worse.  The high blood pressure spikes my anxiety and my supplements aren't doing enough.  But the prescriptions weren't either, and at least supplements don't have terrible side effects.  They are just expensive.  And it only gets more expensive the more I take to try to be comfortable with life.  I know I do better when I get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, spend time with other adults.  But all of these things are hard to do when you have an infant.

Losing My Religion: How I came to be an Atheist

From an early age I greatly disliked church.  I remember being eight years old, throwing up in the night, and being glad because it meant I wouldn't have to go to church.  Not only was church boring, I really couldn't see the reason for going.  The middle of the week fellowship dinners, choir practice, hand bells, and spending time with my friends interested me.  But being forced to listen to sermons I couldn't understand, and sitting through archaic, fantastical bible stories, and being told their perceived meaning and application to modern life really didn't appeal to me.

I was forced to go until I was through the Sunday School class my Dad taught in order not to shame the family.  After that, I got out of going by joining my neighborhood friends at their church, the church of the latter day saints.  Still having to sit through sermons, I was more active in their classes and enjoyed being with my best friend.  I attempted to read the Book of Mormon (at age 11), and I learned about some of their traditions.  I even participated in a stage production, and had my Dad come with me to their 'Daddy Daughter Dance.'  But then a double whammy occurred.  I witnessed a "testimony" from an 8 year old girl after her baptism, in front of the entire ward (congregation).  She was scared and crying and it appeared that she didn't really understand what or why she was doing this.  And I was harassed by my Sunday School teachers, grown women, for wanting to have a profession when I grew up, specifically I wanted to be either a Pediatrician or Veterinarian.  They badgered me, asking "so you want to see sick children and animals?"  I didn't know how to respond to this at my age, but I probably defended myself by saying I wanted to help sick children and animals.  That was enough  for me, I never went back.

Unfortunately my fallout with the LDS coincided with my family's church confirmation classes.  Again I was forced to go to classes, at age 11, to confirm my faith.  My mother remembers the ceremony, in front of the whole congregation, where she just kept hoping that when they asked me "Do you confirm your faith in Christianity?"  I wouldn't say "No."  Had I known this was an option I probably would have.  Instead I forced to do something I didn't agree.  From that day on I felt it was irresponsible to force religion on a child and have them make up their minds before they are really old enough to comprehend what they are doing.

Then I learned I could get out of church if I volunteered in the nursery.  What a win-win.  I got to play with little kids, take care of babies, and get out of church.  Later, in my young adulthood, I would work in that same nursery and still get out of having to go to the family forced holiday services.  It did kill my soul a bit to be somewhat participating in the very thing I despised-forcing religion on children.  But it also offered me the opportunity to teach better values, and I even got the curriculum changed when I realized it was bigoted.

It was around this time that I was studying Paganism.  After learning the history of the Christian church and how it not only stole several Pagan stories, but adopted its culture to assimilate its followers or else killed them, I could no longer believe in any of Christianity's myths and greatly questioned the motives behind the religion.  Then I began studying as many religions as I could only to come up with the same realization over and over.  All religions have the same myths, share the same fundamental beliefs, and are exploited for greed, money and power.

I was also studying Philosophy at this time, a lot of which has to do with questions like How can we know if there is a god?  Are humans born with a moral compass?  Is man naturally good?  What is truth?  What is the meaning of life?  What I did find out is that there is no super being controlling the universe.  If "god" does exist it is more like the Force in Star Wars, it is the collective energy of all living things.  I do have a moral compass, whether or not I was born with it.  Good and evil are different sides of the same coin.  There is a huge gray area in all circumstances.  And there is no meaning to life, we do not have some purpose.  You live your own life and you find your own reasons for doing so.

I was content for a long time thinking I was Agnostic.  It wasn't for several more years that I would admit that I was in fact an Atheist.  I do not believe in a super being.  I do not give any credit to any religious texts, other than being a very loose history of the laws and beliefs of that time and lots of fables.  Those texts are outdated and haven't applied to modern life for millennia.  It would be as if the people 2,000 years from now were trying to live by our laws.  Our laws and morals are constantly changing because we are constantly changing and the population is only getting larger.  The ability to travel and communicate globally has changed not only our perception of the world, but our need to keep evolving.  The more we experience and become knowledgeable, the greater our understanding.  People who hide behind those books are unwilling to evolve.  They use those ancient texts to discriminate and exploit.  This behavior is crazy, willfully ignorant, malicious and unacceptable.

Book Review: If It Was Easy, They'd Call The Whole Damn Thing A Honeymoon

I came across this author by accident.  I thought I was requesting another Jenny McCarthy book from my local library...this authors name is Jenna McCarthy.  She writes for a variety of Magazines and has written a few books on Life, Babies, and Marriage.

Her writing is not exactly my cup of tea, but an interesting look into her life and marriage with a smattering of other couples issues.  I would have much rather read more of the other couples.  I'm not sure the author has a lifestyle that is common place enough for her audience.  Some of her concerns and day-to-day agitations were not things that most women deal with, at least not regularly.

I know this book was meant to be helpful and funny at the same time.  Kind of a light approach to dealing with marital issues.  It's hard to be helpful and not be serious.  And being funny comes from shared experiences.  I just think it missed the mark on both sides.

There was one very poignant concept her therapist uses.  It involves one of the most annoying things your partner does.  Mine drums his fingers really fast when he's doing anything that requires a modicum of concentration.  My husband used to be a drummer for the marching band and doing this is second nature to him.  He doesn't even realize he's doing it.  The idea is to hear other people's little annoyances and then think about one from your partner.  Would you trade?

Who Loves The Sun?

A phenomenon occurred during my pregnancy.  I could no longer tolerate sunshine on my skin.  It felt like my skin was on fire and my skin would stay flushed for hours following exposure, even from just a few minutes.  I used to call it devil face it would get so red.  In addition to that if I had to do anything while in the sun it would immediately make me short of breath and fatigued.  Even on the coldest winter days I would have to shield my face.

Now 6 months postpartum I no longer feel like my face is on fire, but I also don't want to be in the sun.  I still get flushed and overheated.  For this reason, I don't like being outside unless it is overcast, I now look forward to rainy days, and I can't wait for fall/winter.

But it's not just me, my baby can't tolerate the heat either.  And she is just now the recommended age for using sunscreen.  But when she's in the heat she gets hot, sweaty, flushed, uncomfortable, over-tired, and fussy.

This really sucks because I spent all those months being house bound from pregnancy and now I am still from the sun and heat.  I know it would be good for both of us to get out of the house more, but we can't.  I can't imagine what people do (or did) without air conditioning.  I am desperate to move to a more hospitable climate.  England sounds really good to me.

Making a Will: Who do I leave my child?

Now that I have this little bundle of joy, I need to be practical about possibilities and ensure the care of, safety and well being of my child.  Particularly, who would be her guardian if something were to happen to me and my husband?

Unfortunately, my options are limited.  Beyond that I want to assign my child to the persons not only whom I deem most capable, but who are willing.  Add one more wrinkle, my husband and I are Atheists.  While I feel that religion is a part of our world's history, and in that light I wouldn't mind my child being educated on all the religions of the world, I do not want her to be taught to practice any one of them unless it is her choice.

My husbands sister and brother-in-law have 2 kids both much older than our baby.  They have a calendar of obligations and a house full of pets.  And they, like most of us, have financial troubles.  I'm just not sure her life could accommodate a small child.  And, she is an active church goer.  As much as I value her as a sister-in-law I just don't think this is the right environment for our baby.

My parents are both in their mid-sixties.  They might be able to afford to raise a child to 18, but physically I don't think they are capable.  Spiritually, while my Mom continues to study world religions with a passion, she no longer attends any religious services or claims any faith.  My father neither studies nor attends, he merely holds on to his blind faith although he claims to be agnostic.

My sister has a baby girl 1 year older than mine, she and her partner both have financially stable professions and are healthy.  Recently the topic of religion has come up in their household since their baby is getting older.   My sister still considers herself a Christian even though she is not active in the church and sees no need to be.  Her partner seems to be questioning, but has decided he is agnostic.  We had a chat with them last weekend about whether they would want to be our baby's guardians.  We got an affirmative, so our next question was whether they thought they could raise her without religion.  They were agreeable to this.  When my sister asked me if I didn't want her to practice a religion my reply was she can do what she wants, I just don't want her indoctrinated.

It is a relief to know that if anything happens to us our baby will have a safe and loving environment to grow up in that will encourage her to learn and question, to have an examining mind, without forcing blind faith.

I have a baby and I can't get anything done!

When I had a newborn I couldn't get anything done because I was so tired.  Now that the baby is older I still can't get anything done because she won't let me.

I have to steal 10 minutes here or there just to load/unload the dishwasher, make dinner, wash bottles, clean up, take a shower, catch up on correspondence, or write this blog.  Forget in depth tasks like cleaning the bathroom or loud ones like vaccuming.  Her naps are so short and she requires constant attention while she's awake or I have to listen to teething induced whining and sometimes heartbreaking crying.

I've learned recently that she prefers to be upright, in a chair or exersaucer and she likes to listen to ABBA.  if I do these two things together I can get a 10 minute task done while she's awake.

But this whole dance is thoroughly exhausting.  Part of the exhaustion is just trying to cart a heavy baby around or hold onto a wiggly one.  Often when I do get 10 minutes to myself I want to spend them doing something just for me-like reading a book with my feet propped up.

Friendship Busters and Boosters by Marla Paul

You may have read my book review for The Friendship Crisis.  Below is a synopsis of the behaviors that will break down or build up a friendship from that same book.  All of these work in reverse, so if a friend is exhibiting these behaviors have a heart to heart to try to get at the root, and come up with a compromise.

Busters:
1.)  Serial Cancelling:  If you cancel frequently you can bet you'll be taken off the invite list.
2.)  Expecting an Apple to be an Orange:  When you expect more from a friend than she is capable of giving, you will end up hurting yourself and alienating the friend.
3.) Jealousy:  If you cannot celebrate your friends, but instead compare their accomplishments to your own shortcomings in life, the friendship will turn sour.  However, if you are certain a friend is being insensitive simply address that.  Try to find a middle ground where she can still talk about her achievements without making you feel like a failure.

Boosters:
1.)  Pay Attention:  Be aware of the significant events of a friend's life, and check in.
2.)  Keep in touch, but don't keep tabs.  A friendship thrives on the little details of life, don't worry about whose turn it is to call.
3.)  Make plans:  Find a way to squeeze in seeing your friends, make a plan, and don't break it!
4.)  Cheer the victories:  Find ways to celebrate your friend's life.
5.)  Rain Compliments:  Compliment your friend sincerely and regularly.
6.)  Be there for the happy and the sad:  It's smooth sailing in fair weather, but the real glue that binds is offering emotional support to a friend through a crisis.  Often just being there will do.
7.)  Remember Birthdays:  A simple card or call is enough.
8.)  If something is really important to you, say so.
9.)  Give "no special reason" Gifts:  It is a reminder that you think about your friend.  Make sure the gift is thoughtful.
10.)  Return Calls and Emails Promptly:  Not hard to do, but we are all guilty of neglect sometimes.  If you've ever been on the not-receiving end of an un-returned call or email you know how you can worry and think maybe it was something you did or didn't do.
11.)  Make Peace with Imperfection:  Accept your friend's faults and work around them.
12.)  Roll up your Sleeves:  In a crisis don't just offer help, see a need and do something.
13.)  Practice Artful Listening:  Listen, don't offer advice.  Often a friend just needs to vent, or know that someone else has been there.  Comment with a "yeah, it's hard," or "I understand."

While it's never too late to be the friend you'd like to be, sometimes it is too late to save a friendship.  If there are too many past hurts, or one really big one that one of you can't move past, it may be time to let go.  But is is always worthwhile to talk to a friend before you decide to sever ties.  Sometimes you can salvage a little something that wasn't the friendship the two of you once had, but is a new friendship that works for both of you.  Friendship is a two way street.  There is no room for score keeping.

Time to Baby Proof Already!?!

Almost 6 months old, and she's already figured out how to roll her way around.  She's pushing up on her arms almost onto her knees and almost sitting on her own.  She can somehow push herself backwards and in circles till she is off her play mat.  I can tell when this happens because she usually cries about it.  Since she's getting bigger and able to do more things, we moved her mattress to its lowest level, only to reveal the outlet in the wall.  Crap!  Now I've got to go buy outlet plugs.  And rearrange her room, because that is the outlet that the wall switch by her door controls.

And we have to rearrange the living room, or make the dining room her play area.  We have dangerous railing by our stairs.  It is rickety and its design has huge gaps, big enough for a baby to roll under or through.  So just blocking off the stairway entrance isn't going to cut it.  We have two entrances into the dangerous kitchen, and lots of things around the house I wouldn't want a baby to get into, even in her bedroom.  It seems the perfect solution is to give up the dining room and make that her play area.  Then all I have to do is plug off those outlets and block those entrances.

I was pretty certain we'd not be living in this house by the time she was mobile.  Now I have no idea how much longer we'll be living here so it's baby proofing time.  Right now it's just the minimum, outlet plugs and removal of long cords, and baby gates.  Eventually she'll be walking and I'll have to revisit the baby proofing to include safety handles on door knobs, drawer and cabinet locks, toilet locks, and I'm sure a whole slew of things I never thought about.

Reusable Wipes?

I had cloth baby wipes on my registry.  No one decided to make this purchase, and I started rethinking having to rinse out poopy wipes.  I've never been in the habit of wiping after a pee diaper.  But with the whole yeast rash episode, I changed my ways.  Now we go through an amazing amount of wipes in a day/week/month.  Recently a few wipes made their way into my laundry.  They survived a wash and dry and actually came out more cloth-like.  I believe it was the generic Kroger brand super sensitive.  Also, in previous times a few poopy wipes made their way into the toilet.  Since they can't be flushed (even the "flushable" ones do not degrade) I had no choice but to fish them out of the bowl and the yuck seemed to shake off quite easily.

So now my new recourse is to attempt to reuse the "disposable" wipes until they fall apart.

Part of the reason why I want to reuse wipes:  Not just to "save" the environment, but because my baby has very sensitive skin.  In fact she is starting to get a bit of a rash again.  The four main factors this time are the laundry detergent, new "sensitive" wipes (in a solution that took forever to rinse out), back to trying solids, maybe another tooth is breaking through and we are just going to have a rash every time.

I thought I had the detergent part beat since I started using a water softener and 1/2 as much detergent.  After some research, I am going to try All Free and Clear (I wish I could get the Military grade) that makes it a go for cloth.  But I'd rather have her diapers fall apart down the road than deal with this rash repeatedly.  As for wipes, I'm going to try Seventh Generation Wipes.  We can't stop solid foods, she's going to need to eat real food sometime.  And there is nothing I can do about teeth coming in, if it's the teeth.

As far as how we deal with wipes.  First I rinse them out with water till most of the sudsing goes away.  I could let them dry at this point.  Then I make a solution of 10 parts water 2 parts Apple Cider Vinegar.  I dunk and squeeze out the solution before wiping baby.  I strongly feel like this was essential to her skin healing from the last rash.

Losing The Baby Weight, Part 1, 0-6 months Postpartum

6 years ago, at age 28, I lost enough weight that I weighed less than I have since 7th grade. I felt good about myself and was more physically active because it was easier to move. At that time I was eating a mostly grain-free, sugar-free diet. And yet, even with a restricted diet, calorie restriction, and regular exercise, I was never able to get slimmer than 191 lbs.

After 2 years of being able to maintain my weight loss, I began slowly putting the weight back on. It seemed like no matter what I tried the scale kept going up. Finally at the beginning of 2011, at around 250 lbs, I had to do something. I managed to lose 17 lbs, at the rate of 1 lb per week, and then I got pregnant. I gained 60 lbs during pregnancy, but lost 20 with the birth. Then PPD hit, and I went on Zoloft. I gained 10 lbs in 3 weeks! My hypertension returned.  In the several weeks following I slowly lowered my average daily calorie intake to 2,250 and started exercising moderately, I didn't lose any weight, I actually gained a little more.

I decided to get off Zoloft. The only real cure for high blood pressure is weight loss, and this was just not possible on Zoloft. It also was not the magic pill I was hoping it would be. Honestly, for anxiety I prefer SAM-e, and it has the added benefit of supporting my joints. I'll never really know if the Zoloft helped that much, if it was time, or fish oil, or forcing myself to get active again and eat better. To be honest it was the Zoloft that was making me too tired to exercise, and want to eat so badly.

But even once I got off of Zoloft I still couldn't lose any weight. Until the week I ran out of Oatmeal. For years I've known that gluten causes me to bloat, probably a histamine reaction. This does two things, my joints ache all over making it painful to move, and I want to eat more and more gluten-a common reaction to a food allergy. I've suspected Oatmeal did the same thing, yes, even gluten free oatmeal. Well I was right. I lost 8 lbs that week, and another 1.5 lbs the week following.

My first goal is to get back to the weight I was when I left the hospital the second time. I am 1.5 lbs away from that goal.  My second goal is to get back to the weight I was before I became pregnant.

Since I have long studied weight loss I know the two biggest misconceptions about weight loss and I will share them with you.  Exercise does not help you lose weight.  It actually makes you hungrier.  But exercise is important to be healthy and strong.  Secondly, it's not how much you eat, it's what you eat and how often.  Since fat stores get used when we go for long periods without an insulin response, you will lose weight going for long stretches without eating (like at night when you sleep) or if you eat foods that don't spike insulin such as protein and non-starchy vegetables.  The reason why calorie restriction works is because it keeps you from eating too much of the foods that keep you from losing weight.  You can read all about this in Gary Taubes Why We Get Fat.

Big and Tall Store For Babies

My baby was born at the top of the height percentile. And now she's off the charts. Couple that with the bulk of reusable diapers and I can't get all-in-one outfits that are long enough. She was wearing 6 mo. at 3 months, 9 mo. at 4 1/2 months, and now 12 mo. outfits at 6.  I had joked months ago that at some point she was going to catch up to her cousin (the source of all our hand-me-downs), who is 13 months older.  That day may be coming sooner rather than later.  At this rate they'll catch up when my baby is 13 months old.  That's only 7 more months of hand-me-downs.

I'm sure plenty of mothers have questioned the sizing of infant/baby/toddler outfits.  I have a variety of brands in the "12 mo." size that to me look like they vary from actually fitting a 3 mo. old, to a traditional 12 mo. old.  Why don't they just size it by height.  I could walk in to any store and just buy the outfits that would fit my tall baby by her height.  Instead I go with a measuring tape in my purse and I measure from collar to crotch.  Often, the length is right, but her body is swimming in the ill-fitting outfits.  And the arms and legs are too short.  What short limb, long torso, stout babies are these outfits being made for?

Pants and T-Shirts would be great.  But she's still so little and rolling around, not yet crawling, and I don't want her belly exposed all the time.  Plus the nuisance of taking off and putting back on a pair of pants at every diaper change is too much, especially when I'm trying to prevent her from waking.  For all these reasons, I love the all-in-one outfits that snap at the bottom.  She's only 6 months old after all, I don't need to dress her like a little adult.

Book Review: The Friendship Crisis by Marla Paul

This book is quite obviously written for women, but I wouldn't discourage men from reading.  A parent or spouse dies, divorce, getting married or re-married, your spouses don't get along, having a baby, your kids don't get along, your kids who were friends are grown and on their own, you move, change, lose or quit careers, all these and more are reasons why friends drift, fall by the wayside, or just disappear.  Marla Paul writes about how we can possibly prevent friendships from flailing during these changes, why we should let some of them go, and gives us resources on how to find and make new friends,  Paul includes identifying and working through the potential "roadblocks" and pitfalls that can occur when making new friends.  Using specific examples from women she knows, researched or who have written on the topic, Paul tries to cover the gamut of troubles to perhaps enlighten us on our own friendship foibles.

It's hard finding and making friends.  When I was younger I used to say the only way to make friends is through school, work, or other friends.  As we get older it gets even harder.  Our time is more valuable, we are not any busier, just with what we perceive to be more important, and we require more sleep.  We have learned who we are and no longer find superficial friendships to be easy.  We want friends who share our values, and often reflect our own lifestyle.  We need to be able to respect friends opinions and actions.  The same is true in reverse.

 Now that I have a baby it is much more difficult to see my friends as often as I would like, or meet up at the same places we used to go.  To go anywhere I have to pack up 2 bags plus a heavy baby and some gear.  It is thoroughly exhausting to pack, load, unload, unpack, and repeat for the number of places we go.  Plus, I am a slave to her needs-feeding, changing, napping.  If I don't keep those needs satisfied during the day, I will have a bad night on my hands as well.  This doesn't mean I don't want to see my friends or spend time, I just don't have the energy to always go to them, or the ability and desire to participate in the same activities.

I often have felt that maintaining friendships rested primarily on my shoulders.  If I don't keep them up, they don't keep up.  So in addition to feeling exhausted, isolated, and out-of-it, I'm also dealing with a bit of resentment for being so expendable, or for not being worth the effort from these friends.  In the past, I have  felt like several of these same friends were guilty of not respecting my time, career choices, or lifestyle.  It is disrespectful to think that your time is more valuable.

Marla Paul's solution, get different friends.  Ones that reflect my new lifestyle and understand the demands of, or at least respect, being a stay-at-home parent.  But that doesn't mean I have to discontinue my old friendships.  Paul suggests being honest and straight forward with friends.  It might surprise me to know that these friends are willing to change the dynamics of our relationship to stay together.  Whether that means seeing each other less often, only in certain circumstances, or relegating to social gathering friendships, we can still be friends without the resentment that occurs when you just let a friendship wither and die.  Sometimes that happens too, but I don't have to feel bad.  I can appreciate the friendship for what it was worth and move on.

Postpartum Depression

I have suffered with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember.  I've tried many natural alternatives and supplements to alleviate my symptoms with moderate success.  But during pregnancy I discontinued their use due to a lack of research on safety.  And then I got pregnancy induced hypertension.  Hypertension or high blood pressure and anxiety are like the chicken and the egg, which came first?  I was incredibly stressed out and high strung during my pregnancy.  I had lots of irrational thoughts, some of them were rational but hyped up to the extreme.  I couldn't wait to have this baby just so I could feel better.

Guess what?  I didn't feel better.  I felt worse.  Aside from developing Postpartum Preeclampsia, even now almost 6 months postpartum I still have prehypertension.  And I'm still dealing with broken sleep.  I was so worried about the baby and every little thing, I couldn't relax.  I didn't sleep well, when I did get to sleep, and I would have nightmares.  I cried multiple times a day.  And to top it all off, we were thrown off our farm (the family farm that was for life) with no means for income and all our savings sunk into that business.

Postpartum depression is nothing to be ashamed of, it is a real medical condition.  Your body is working hard to get itself back to "normal."  Your hormones are haywire, you aren't getting enough sleep, and your sleep cycles are broken, you aren't eating properly, you aren't getting out of the house as much, and you are probably freaking out about what to do with this little person.  It is stressful!  But, postpartum depression doesn't always strike right away.  It can take months before you may have any symptoms.  A friends doctor told her it could take up to 2 years before her body is back to normal.

When my symptoms lasted more than the first two weeks after birth, I decided to go to a postpartum specialist.  She prescribed me an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), appointments to monitor my progress, and I was on my way.  I soon found out that SSRIs weren't the magic pill I wanted them to be.  While my anxiety was tamed for about 3 weeks, I had a slew of side effects that almost cancelled out the benefits.  So when my anxiety returned I decided to taper off the SSRI, under my nurse practitioners supervision.  I remembered about my old tried and true supplements.

I've been back to the supplements now for over a month and while they help, I'm still having anxiety and depression problems partly due to my new lifestyle of staying at home with the baby.  But the other day I bought facial tissues for the first time in months because I'm not crying much anymore.  It felt like a victory.

I realized that I neglected to differentiate between Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Psychosis.  The former is what I and many women suffer from after giving birth for a variety of reasons but typically related to hormone changes and what I call new baby isolation.  Postpartum Psychosis presents a very serious situation where the person suffering may want to hurt herself and/or her baby AND this seems like a logical or reasonable solution.  Please get help.  You can visit Postpartum Support International to find help near you.

Terrified of SIDS

I cannot imagine what it is like for a parent to lose their baby.  But to lose a baby suddenly, without known cause, this fear envelopes nearly all my parenting choices.   I can't count how many times I've had to check to make sure she's still breathing or hasn't pulled her blanket over her face, rolled over to her tummy, or some other risk factor that requires I rush in quietly to fix.

I've read a lot about risk factors and how to reduce the risk for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, or SIDS.  What the main cause seems to really boil down to is lack of oxygen and sleeping too deeply.  Babies sleeping on their tummies, pulling blankets over their face, burrowing into pillows, soft mattresses, or bumper pads, and being too warm are all risk factors.  But there is one other probable factor and that is simply failure to thrive.

Just when I think I've got all the risk factors under control I learn about a new one.  Last night for no apparent reason she was sweating.  She felt clammy.  I took her temperature.  A little up but nothing for alarm.  And then I did a little internet research.  Big mistake.  What do I find?  Sweating is a risk factor for SIDS, because sweating can indicate a heart problem.

These articles are never indepth enough.  So it meant a light sleep for me last night as I worried my baby might not wake up.  When in all reality she was probably just hot.  She did just get a possible heat rash on her belly the other day.

Bottom line, some things we can't control.  Do all that you can to reduce the chance of SIDS.  And then stop worrying.  Easier said than done.

Battling a Yeast Diaper Rash

Yeast.  We all have it and it floats around the atmosphere naturally.  But when it gets out of control you have an itchy burning mess.  Left untreated a yeast diaper rash can cause the skin to break, but also a full on infection that requires antibiotics.  Plus a super unhappy baby.

Yeast thrives in a warm, moist environment.  Hello diapers.  Two easy steps to preventing or lesson the severity of the dreaded yeast beast are exposed skin, and cleanliness.  This is why naked time is good, for drying and cooling.  Just lay a towel under baby and make sure baby is warm enough.  Secondly, keep the infected area clean.  Gently rinse or wipe after every change, and bathe the area after every bowel movement.  Avoid some wet wipes, particularly with alcohol or "fragrance," that may irritate the area or feed the yeast.  When in doubt, just rinse your wipes in warm water.

How did it get out of control?  Well, four things happened at the same time, it could have been any one or the combo of all, or it could have been a fifth unknown.  We got a new bag of the same kind of diaper detergent we've been using, but the texture looked different, the formulation may have changed, and this one had lavender and mint added.  Then, Daddy did diaper laundry and used twice as much detergent as normal.  She started solids, a new food every 3 days.  Carrots, White Potatoes, no problem.  But by Peas she started to break out a little, Pears (store bought with Citric Acid-may have an allergy or intolerance) we had a full on rash,  by Sweet Potatoes it was diarrhea city.  So until she clears up, no more solids.  Finally, her two bottom teeth broke through, I'm not sure how this plays into it.

Here are the remedies I long researched and our experience:

Apple Cider Vinegar or Grapefruit Seed Extract (NOT Grape seed Extract) Wipes:  We tried the first, it is 1 part ACV to 10 parts water.  It seemed to help, but we had to move on with treatments after 2 days, although I am still using it on wipes at changes because I do see a difference.  GSE is 10-15 drops per cup of water.  You dip your cloths into the solution to cleanse the area when changing a diaper.  Make sure to let the skin dry thoroughly before applying any ointment or oil.

Tea Tree Oil:  5 drops to 1 Tablespoon of Olive Oil or another skin oil.  This definitely helped soothe baby, but she would cry when she urinated.  She would look better in the morning, but worse again by bedtime.

Coconut Oil:  Unrefined, cold expeller-pressed, great for the skin and has natural anti-fungal properties.  I'm sorry I didn't try it.  I'm getting a tub since it's safe to use with cloth diapers.
Update:  I've got a tub and now we're using this with her reusables because the disposables are now giving her a rash.  Also, I can tell better when she needs to be changed with her cloth diapers
Day Two:  The Coconut oil finished the job in 1-2 days.  We continued the ACV wipes after every change.  She looks almost back to normal.  And I'm so glad to have her back in cloth.

Probiotics:  Natural "good" bacteria, found in yogurt and other fermented foods, can suppress the "bad" bacteria and support a healthy immune system.  While her formula claims to have probiotics in it, buying a baby powder and adding it in to food would have been a good idea.

4 Layer Treatment (suggested by pediatrician): Neosporin Plus, Hydrocortisone 1 percent, Lotrimin AF, Desitin:  After 3 days of rash battle, I called the Dr. and she suggested this combo, but to call back in 3 more days if no change.  And of course discontinue and call back if condition worsens.  I bought the generic forms of the first 3 creams, and used Bordeaux's Butt Paste instead of Desitin, both are Zinc Oxide.  We also began using disposables with all these creams.  And I will have to disinfect and strip all of our reusables in the interim.
Day One:  After a few changes I saw a difference, but by the morning it looked just as bad as ever, no worse.  We are wiping with every change and washing the booty after a bowel movement.  And I'm trying my best to get her right after she goes, luckily she makes a sound when she pees as well as poops.
Day Two:  Looks like we're under control.  I began wiping her with the ACV wipes and air drying before applying ointment.  While the yeast beast spread all the way up to the top of her butt crack, it is dying.  The pimply spots are gone-there is no rough texture except at the top of her butt.  I may treat that area one day longer than the rest.
Day Three:  So, I had daddy do the nighttime change...big mistake.  While it did not come back badly, she had the worst time getting to sleep and was a bit broken out by this morning.  Why don't daddies follow directions?  These came from the Pediatrician, not me.  I had planned on discontinuing treatment at the end of day 3, now...?
Day Four:  Almost completely gone, except there is an outline of where it used to be.  There are still some rough patches in the back.  And her outer lips still seem swollen, hopefully this does not mean she has a vaginal yeast infection.
Day Five:  Still rough in the back, red and slightly swollen in the front, but it looks like it's mostly cleared up.
Day Six:  Same as Day Five.
Day Seven:  Although the redness and swelling of her outer lips is gone, she now has a different rash on her belly and legs from the disposable diapers.  I discontinued disposables and thus the 4 layer creams.  We're back to reusables and now coconut oil, still using the ACV wipes between changes.  Hopefully this finishes the job.

Disinfecting and Stripping Diapers:  The disinfecting part sounds easy.  Yeast is killed at 140 degrees Fahrenheit, but I found no evidence that the dryer is sufficient.  So I put her clean diapers, not covers, in a pot of water on the stove and voila!  To strip them of oils I added some Dawn dish soap to the water.  After a hot water/soap on the stove, we drain, and put them all in the wash with no detergent for some rinsing.   For the covers I just threw them into the machine for that final wash.  Then, make sure they don't still smell like Dawn, or wash/rinse them again no soap, before immediately drying them-no time for bacteria.

We have hard water.  The founder of Rockin' Green detergent says that Borax should not be used with hard water, it binds to the calcium and magnesium in the water and creates a residue.  She says you should use twice as much detergent because 1/2 will go towards neutralizing the minerals, unless you use a water softener like Calgon.  But we found that too much detergent is irritating to our baby's skin.  We were using about 3 Tablespoons per load, I've cut that down to 1 + Tablespoon.  We always do a rinse cycle first to get out the worst before we wash.

I think from now on I'll be dedicating one day a month to sanitizing diapers.

Ugh! Daddies...am I right?

My poor husband.  He tries so hard and often fails so miserably.

Like most daddies, he's the "fun" one.  Her eyes follow him around the room waiting for him to do something funny to make her laugh.  When she sees any man (with a beard) her mouth opens in a half grin ready for the funny.  But, when she is tired or needs comfort she will scream her head off with him, craning her neck to try to find and look at me with pathetic eyes as if to say "why won't you do something."  So, I take her and calm her down and daddy feels bad that he can't do the same.

Daddy goes to work.  Mommy stays home with the baby and the house.  When Daddy comes home Mommy often still doesn't get a break.  And after having to stay up late and get up so very early, I was t.i.r.e.d.  Can Daddy please do this last diaper change of the day?  I should mention our baby has had a yeast rash and we have to layer 4 different ointments on her butt at every change.  Daddy's method:  mix all four together and smear at the same time.  Result:  an unhappy baby that won't go to sleep for the next 3-4 hours.  A Mommy who is also crying because she is so tired.  A Daddy that feels like a jerk because he can't put her to bed, and then forgets to set his own alarm and is 3 hours late for work.  And a rash that looks worse in the morning.

I should know better.  Against my own better judgment I had Daddy change the last diaper.  Against my own experience I had Daddy try to put the baby to bed.  This always results in me getting back up to soothe my now incredibly frustrated baby and husband.  I just want to go to sleep!  Unlike both my baby and husband, I can't nap during the day.

Last night it was the Thunderstorms that kept her awake.  For 2 1/2 hours my baby would not stay asleep.  I was up every 12 minutes, during that time, to fix whatever was the problem, including an extra night feed.  We both were in tears.  And yet, she's up again so early in the morning.  As I finish this post my husband is snoozing on the sofa next to me, and he got to go to bed at the time I wanted. 

So tonight, he's got the night shift.  And I will try my best not to come out of my bedroom because she is wailing. We'll see.

I physically couldn't Breastfeed, it truly happens so don't judge!

5 1/2 months out and I'm still deeply saddened by my inability to breastfeed my baby.  I physically didn't make milk.  I never got engorged.  I never leaked milk.  There was no pain in "drying up."

For 8 weeks, I double pumped 8-12 times a day producing an average of 22 ml a day, less than 1 ounce.  In addition to that I nursed 6-8 times a day, usually only 5 minutes a side because she wasn't getting any milk and would get frustrated.  My whole day was to attempt to nurse, bottle feed, double pump, clean up, repeat.  I barely had anytime to do anything including sleep and eat.  I feel like I missed the first 8 weeks of her life.  But I knew that if I didn't try I would always feel badly about that.  The problem is I still feel badly.  I still wonder-if I had just tried for 1 more week.

While my situation is a little muddled because of having Postpartum Preeclampsia, I still don't think I was ever going to produce milk.  I so wanted the best for my baby.  For her to eat real food and not junk food.  I have no idea how this will affect her health and well being.  But she's alive and she's growing.  Every day I think about how I missed out on this precious experience.  I know breast feeding is hard, but it's also incredibly easy, and good for the baby and you.

If I could breast feed, we'd never have to buy formula.  I wouldn't have to daily wash bottles, sterilize water, pack bottles to go.  Have a sticky mess on my counter from spilled powder.  I could just pick her up to feed her instead of listening to her cry while I fix a bottle.  It truly would be a time and money saver.

However...I would have to deal with a more restricted diet, being crazy hungry all the time, sore nipples, gumming and biting, the struggle of latching and re-latching in crazy holds, feeding more frequently, and the dreaded thrush, and plugged ducts (which I've had).

But, the worst part of all is when people ask and I tell them "I physically couldn't breast feed."  They honestly tell me, not in so many words, "Maybe you didn't try hard enough."  Are you F*ing kidding me?  Insult to Injury indeed!  Please let's not shame a mother for her choice, or sometimes what isn't her choice.  I can feel envious of other mothers who choose not to breast feed, I wish I'd had that luxury.  But I never berate them for not breastfeeding.  And to be perfectly honest, it's none of my business.  Just as it's not the business of anyone else to pass judgement on me for formula feeding.

Supplementing During Pregnancy

Supplements (not vitamins or minerals) are not studied for health benefits the way prescription drugs are.  So, there isn't a whole lot of information on the safety of use during pregnancy.  And legally they can't be recommended, except by a Doctor, who probably won't recommend their use because s/he either doesn't know a whole lot about supplements, or just wants to play it safe to avoid a law suit.

So how can you know what is safe to take?  Hopefully my own knowledge and experience will enlighten you on the topic.  While I am not a Doctor or Medical Practitioner, I have studied natural remedies for years and worked professionally in the field for 3 years.  Below are the 4 best supplements for women, in my opinion.  As always, discuss with your doctor, do your own research, and make your own best choices for you.  I do not recommend or suggest you take the following supplements, I only share with you my experience and findings.

Prenatal Multi-Vitamin:  Your Doctor definitely wants you to take these, and will even prescribe them once your pregnancy is confirmed.  In fact most Doctors would suggest you start taking them a few months prior to conception.  The idea is to get Folic Acid built up in your system since it has been shown to reduce birth defects.  It, like most vitamins, is water soluble so you waste what your body doesn't absorb.  It is with that knowledge that one-a-day vitamins are not giving you the best benefit or the most for your money.  Also, synthetic nutrients are not as readily absorbed, which is why a food sourced, multiple is best.  I used New Chapter Organics Perfect Prenatal.  It is a 3-a-day, small and easy to swallow, that you can even take on an empty stomach.  It did not increase my morning sickness and did not make me constipated.  I only took 2 a day, because that's what made me feel my best.  I was also eating fortified cereals so I felt confident I was getting enough folic acid.

Probiotics:  None of my medical practitioners could advise me on the safety of taking Probiotics during Pregnancy.  Since I couldn't eat dairy during my pregnancy, yogurt (a natural source of Probiotics) was off the menu.  Probiotics are natural "good" bacteria that support your intestinal flora by increasing good bacteria and suppressing the bad.  I figured Probiotics were alright to take during pregnancy, just not the "green" kind.  I have to say, I am sorry I didn't start taking them sooner.  In addition to supporting my immune system, essential during pregnancy and cold and flu season, Probiotics seemed to ease my anxiety and depression, and kept me regular.  I have long suffered a slow digestion which means two things, constipation (why I avoid dairy), and bacterial overgrowth (leads to all sorts of health problems including depression).  I ended up using Solaray MultiDophilus 12 Billion.  I took one a day at bedtime.  Probiotics also slowed down my pregnancy weight gain, but so did giving up dairy.  I researched the link between weight gain and dairy, which is not a myth, and discovered that only yogurt doesn't make you gain weight because of the Probiotics.

Calcium:  Because I was not eating dairy, I needed to supplement with Calcium.  Pregnant women should aim for at least 1,200-2,000mg a day.  But, your body can only absorb 500mg at a time.  It is best to find a supplement with only 500 per capsule.  Also, Calcium Citrate Malate is the best form for supplementation.  Calcium Carbonate does not get utilized as well, and has been linked to Kidney Stones.  I chose Solaray Calcium with an 85 percent Citrate Malate to 15 percent Carbonate.  It was 250 per capsule, I took 2 a day.  I was still able to eat cheese, legumes, leafy greens (all excellent sources of calcium), and my dairy substitutes (almond and coconut milk) had Calcium Carbonate supplementation.  It is entirely possible that the reason I didn't get Preeclampsia during my pregnancy, and my postpartum Preeclampsia was not as severe, was due to Calcium supplementation.  It is thought that 1,500-2,000mg a day can lesson severity of Preeclampsia and Pregnancy Induced Hypertension (which I had).

Fish Oil, Omega 3 Fatty Acids:  I was so hesitant to use fish oil during pregnancy because of my fear of mercury contamination.  Even though I had a top brand, it tasted "fishy" which usually means spoilage.  I know how these products are produced, packed, and shipped, but once in the store it's anyones guess how long they've been on the shelf, exposed to heat and sunlight.  It is always best to put in a special request for the next shipment.  They will pull it once it comes in and put it in a drawer, calling you that day so you can pick it up immediately.  The only brands of liquid I use are Carlson's and Nordic Naturals.  Get one with lemon to make it more palatable.  The gel caps will give you fish burp and are more expensive, but NN makes a prenatal omega 3.  This supplement supports every part of your body, including your stretching skin, which can help reduce stretch marks.  I regret not taking this regularly.  Although when I did take it, it would make me weepy for some reason, even postpartum.  Since I switched to NN, I have not felt weepy.  There is no medical evidence to support the claim that fish oil reduces your risk of gestational diabetes and preeclampsia.  However, there have been some studies that suggest there are other pregnancy risks with fish oil supplementation (not mercury contamination).  I only supplemented during the last trimester and at most 1 teaspoon of oil every other day.  But I use it every day otherwise, and it in my opinion is the best supplement for your whole body.